The Game
by Ginkaishoku
Summary: Shakkin Satsu is a butt-kicking gambler, shrewd buisnesswoman, and avid spy, as well as being the author and editor of the bingo book. But what happens when this Ex-Suna kunoichi meets her match in the greediest s-ranked shinobi of the Akatsuki? KakuzuXOC
1. Lucky Pair

Ever wonder how the Bingo Book gets all of its information? Well, I don't blame you. No one ever mentions the author of the bingo book, the brave researcher who dares gather info on the baddest baddies and toughest characters alive.

Frankly, I'm slighted that no one asks about me. I do so much work for all of those ungrateful and wretched villages, and no one even mentions my name anymore. Well, a few do mention me, but I have to avoid _them _at all costs.

Those who know my name are the strongest of the strong, and probably willing to kill me at a moments notice. I have too many enemies to count.

My name is Shakkin Satsu, the bounty hunter and private investigator of sorts. Each year, I travel to the lowest and vilest places in the world to find every scrap of information possible, and compile it into the Bingo Book.

I've flirted and schemed information out of members of the top organizations in this world, including members of the illustrious Akatsuki, the legendary Sannin, and even a few rouge ninja famous for their power, such as Momochi Zabuza.

Exciting, eh? Yeah, it is, but it is also dangerous.

Let me tell you something; It's all about the game, and how you play it.

You're probably thinking "how has this chick stayed alive so long when she's met every bad guy in the world?"

I have an answer to that one. I use a new disguise and alias for each job. 'Clever' should be my middle name. Or 'Rich,' 'Filthy Rich.' Money is no problem for me nowadays.

Each copywriter of my Bingo Book, which I update annually, pays a _very_ large sum to get their grubby hands on my info. Covetous much?

Well, a new field of opportunity opened up a little while back, and had a few, erm, _interesting _ consequences…

--X--

My gold eyes flicked across the streets of a small village near Amegakure, tracking my prey. I was low on cash, so I decided to collect an easy bounty.

I adjusted my full face mask and Suna hitai-ate, which oh-so-innocently sported a slash through the middle, and transformed. My henge was of a dark-haired buxom beauty in a maroon dress, the perfect opposite of my true likeness.

In fact, my hair is a pale gold and my eyes are a darker shade of the same color. I'm pale, and thin, and most definitely not as well-endowed as my henge. Sure, I'm pretty and all, but not pretty enough for what my job entails.

In the matter of appearances, I am a self-proclaimed expert. Only five living people have managed to dispel my genjutsu and see my true likeness. You might know a few.

Jiraiya, that god-forsaken perv.

Tsunade ('nuf said, he he.)

Some loser with the sharingan (I think his name was Dorito…)

Hidan of the Akatsuki.

And, last but most definitely not least, Takigakure no Kakuzu.

Let me tell you right now, he scared me till high heaven. Still does most days, especially around lunchtime...

Anyway, back to the story.

--X--

I had been innocently wandering around that small village outside Amegakure, when I decided to, ehm, replenish my moth-ridden wallet by collecting a small bounty. I stole the wrong guy's bounty. You should be able to guess who the 'wrong guy' was, right? Yeah, Kakuzu-kun really doesn't like parting with his money.

**Ever.**

I sat down at the local bar and decided to eek a little tidbit out of the victim, sorry, guy next to me. I had him registered for entry #227 in the next edition in my bingo book anyway. I casually slipped a drug into his drink, gathered as much information out of the egotistical rouge nin, and suggested we go for a walk conveniently before the drug knocked the idiot out.

I caught his bulky body and dragged him into an alley, hog-tying him in the process.

"That idiot was too easy. No wonder I hate men!" I laughed, throwing him over my shoulder. Suddenly I felt a presence behind me. Its chakra was absolutely huge. I twirled and met face to face with two figures in black cloaks with red clouds on them. My eyes widened. I knew _exactly_ who these guys were.

None other than Kakuzu and Hidan of the infamous Akatsuki.

"I believe that idiot's bounty belongs to me." Kakuzu growled, eyeing me up and down. I paled and set my prisoner down, lifting my hands into the air in a gesture of peace as I backed down the alley.

"I know a tough hunter when I see one. You can have this one, I'll find someone else." I said, hoping that I sounded braver than I was.

"Why don't I get rid of her?" Hidan asked, stepping forward. I bumped into a trashcan, ruining any dignity I might have previously had.

** Crap. **

"W-why would you want to do that?" I asked shakily, earning a laugh from Hidan. Kakuzu remained eerily silent, and was doing something with his hands. He was in shadow, so I couldn't see the hand seals he was forming. Next thing I knew, my henge was gone, leaving only my true form.

** Double crap! **

"You're an ex-Suna nin, eh?" Kakuzu asked. I could practically see the gears turn in his freaking man-brain as he slowly recognized my description.

"Shakkin Satsu, I think you'll be coming along with me as well." Kakuzu chuckled after I had witnessed the flash of recognition cross his eyes.

** Triple crap! Three strikes and I'm out! **

"H-how about I just leave and pretend I never got in your way?" I asked. Kakuzu shook his head.

"With such a large bounty on your head, and the ability to get rid of a business rival, I would have to decline that offer." I was shaking like crazy. I couldn't fight members of the Akatsuki!

"Takigakure no Kakuzu-Sama, I find your interest flattering, but couldn't we work something else out?" the two men were getting annoyed.

"I think not." Kakuzu replied bluntly, advancing swiftly. I jumped onto the roof and ran, forming transportation hand seals. I turned around and yelled to my pursuers once more.

"Hidan, Kakuzu, it was nice meeting you!" I vanished into smoke. I can imagine both of them cursing and fuming in rage. I do that to people apparently.

That wasn't the last time I'd see them, though.

--X--

It was another regular day on my month-long self-imposed vacation after selling the latest updates, and I was running from some random drunk dude with a knife. Apparently he didn't like to be pick-pocketed, hehehe.

"Get back here you little thief!" He shouted, throwing the knife at me. The blade embedded itself in my left shoulder. I whirled around and kicked the man where the sun doesn't shine. He was out for the count as I ran.

I arrived at a bar, went into the bathroom without being seen, cleaned up the wound, slid out the window, then reentered. I had changed my henge to that of a violet-haired woman in a black dress. I sat down at the bar and ordered a few shots to dull the pain in my shoulder.

"Have you heard those weird rumors about a criminal named Tobi?" A man asked casually, sitting next to me on a small stool.

"I thought a beautiful lady like you ought to be aware of the dangers in this area" He flirted unmercifully, hoping to flatter me. I adopted a look of pure curiosity, turning towards the shinobi.

"No, I haven't. Do tell!" I asked eagerly, leaning one elbow on the bar. The shinobi went on to exaggerate about how this Tobi dude had been sighted outside the village we were currently in.

That's when I felt him. His familiar chakra approached the bar, menacing and overpowering. I was surprised that he didn't even think to mask it. Maybe he was cocky enough to think I wouldn't notice. Haha, yeah right.

I excused myself hastily and rushed into the bathroom, sliding out the window and taking a new henge for extra precaution as I ran down the back alley behind the bar.

No dice.

"Shakkin Satsu, you can't run this time. You are injured." He was right. I turned and faced Kakuzu once more, realizing that he had undone my genjutsu.

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious. And I bet your buddy is behind me with that ridiculously large scythe, eager to kill me if I decide to run." I said, sarcasm seeping into the words in a sticky undertone.

"By the smell of your blood, I figured you to be sweet." Hidan laughed and walked out of the shadows.

"I guess I was wrong, maybe you are just a sour wench." I visibly twitched at the insult, but dismissed it without another thought as an idea pervaded my mind.

"Kakuzu-Sama, I know I'm trapped, and that you two would know better than to fall for my escape tactics again. I also know I have an interesting deal to offer you, should you so chose…" I said, trailing off at the end of my sentence to pique his curiosity.

"Spit it out woman, time is money." Kakuzu barked, earning another flinch from me.

"I propose a game of dice." I said, pulling dice slowly out of my pocket and showing the two psychopaths, praying they didn't think I had drawn a weapon.

"If you win, I obviously go with you to God-Knows-Where." I said gruffly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"But if I win, I give you my latest Bingo Book earnings and run like hell. If I win you cannot track me or capture me three months. Highest two out of three rolls will be victorious." I finished, weighing the men's expressions heavily. Hidan's scowl was apparent even through the corner of my eye, but Kakuzu was impossible to read due to his infuriating mask.

** This what they mean by making a deal with the Devil, isn't it? **

"You strike a mean bargain, Satsu-chan. I accept." Kakuzu walked forward to accept a die, and sat down parallel to me. He raised his hand in a discreet gesture, and the next sensation I felt was of a sharp metal object resting against an artery in my neck.

Hidan was holding his scythe to my throat, daring me to make a break for it.

"Ladies first." Kakuzu muttered, allowing me the first roll.

Round one:

Satsu: Six

Kakuzu: Three

Round two:

Satsu: One

Kakuzu: Four

The tension in the air as we prepared to break our tie was stifling. I rolled slowly, praying as hard as a non-religious person could.

Final round:

Satsu: Five

Kakuzu: Two

I shook with relief and anticipation as I handed Kakuzu the money out of my bag. I accepted the dice and returned it to my pocket, promising myself that I would never lose my newly appointed 'Lucky Pair.' I also felt Hidan's menacing weapon lifted from its resting place on my neck.

"You play a nice game, Satsu-chan. I'll be seeing you again soon. Say, in maybe, three months?" I stiffened and hid my fear with a harsh bark of laughter.

"You wish Kakuzu-kun. I'll be long gone by then!" I re-covered my face quickly, pulling up my mask. His penetrating stare unnerved me, and I felt insanely vulnerable in my own skin. Nearly my entire life was spent under the cover of genjutsu, and without it I wouldn't be much of a shinobi at all.

"We'll see soon, now won't we?" He replied, still staring at my face with those neon-green eyes of his. I nodded, backing up slowly. I turned on my heel and ran as fast and as far as I could, putting as much distance between the s-class criminal and myself as possible.


	2. Enter Crazy Exboyfriend

Seriously Satsu, you need to rest

Okay, Author's note time!

I just want to thank everyone who has faved or reviewed the first chappy! I have had the warm fuzzies like a disease.

Just to solidify one fact though, this is going to be a very SHORT story, just around 4 chapters to 6. Unless one of you wonderful readers/fellow authors can come up with some more plot-age…. hints broadly

Also, this story is based on a song called 'The Game,' which is Triple H's (one of my favorite wrestlers') entrance song.

(Hey, no dissing hot guys wrestling in spandex, choreographed or not. Got it?)

Hopefully this story makes a few people laugh. This story is my first stab at any sort of humor, so feel free to drop me a tip sometime!

I'd like to thank Rasne, Pasta Shark Okaa-san, Friglit and Kuro no Kokoro for their encouraging and kind reviews!

Huggle

**Disclaimer:**

**I do not own Naruto, only the original characters in this story.**

**Because if I did own Naruto, Kakuzu would be better looking. He needs some love.**

**Chapter 2: Enter Crazy Ex-Boyfriend**

_Seriously Satsu, you need to rest. Kakuzu isn't going to find you here._

I slowed to a halt, turning into an alley so as to sit on a bench in the shade. The sun was creeping slowly to the horizon, so I guessed it was around six in the evening.

"Wow, it's almost supper time. I'm surprised I haven't felt..." I was cut off from my reverie by a large growl courtesy of my stomach. I grimaced in pain and clutched my torso as my stomach acids ate at me from the inside.

"Hungry yet. Damn!" I whispered, hoping the old lady walking towards the parallel bench didn't hear the thunderous noise from my monstrosity of a gut.

"Dear, are you hungry?" The kind old lady asked, peering at me with a look of pity over her wire-rimmed glasses. I blushed, and subsequently so did my henge. She chuckled and beckoned me over to her bench across the alley.

I didn't know what to expect from this seemingly harmless old lady. My paranoid side said that she was Kakuzu in disguise, but her chakra level was too small to be his, unless he was masking it. With a leap of faith I decided to walk over to her, sitting softly on the farthest recess of the bench possible.

"Here, you can have some of mine." She said, offering me a piece of bread and cheese. I looked at her for a while, confusedly and allowed her kindness to seep in.

"Arigato, Obaa-chan." I said, accepting the food with a slight bow of my head. I sniffed it when she wasn't looking, finding nothing awry, and ate it quickly.

"You're a hungry konoichi, aren't you dear?" The old woman asked, chuckling. I froze, at a loss for a response. What I wanted to ask was 'how the heck do you know I'm a konoichi?' but I figured that just be admitting the fact so I opted to blush again, bowing in embarrassment.

"I could tell you are a ninja by your chakra signature, sorry to scare you. I was once a medic nin myself…" The woman apologized, drifting into the land of memories. I smiled, glad that 1) she wasn't a spy for Kakuzu, and 2) she might be able to heal that knife wound on my shoulder that I got nearly 3 months ago.

"Obaa-san, thank you very much for the food. I-If it wouldn't be too much trouble, would you also look at my wound? I'm more than willing to pay for your services." I stuttered, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. Her gaze seemed to look straight through my disguise, and I was unnerved that she could stare so intently, almost like Kakuzu except, of course, without the creepy neon-green eyes of doom. Thank Kami.

"Sure dearie, I'll let you stay at my home for as long as your injury takes to heal. I have to warn you though, I'm a little rusty!" she chuckled kindly. I sighed gratefully. Who better than a kind old lady to hide me from a crazy stalker?

I grabbed my bag and silently followed the withered creature as she led me to her house, which was in the middle of a forest. Leave it to me to room with an old hermit!

The outside of her house was old and decrepit, but it also had a cozy feel about it as I took my shoes off on the veranda and silently followed the kindly woman inside. I was greeted by an elaborate entry room with beige walls with dark mahogany trim, Green and pink floral rugs, and a comfortable table in what I guessed was the dining room. The old lady closed the door behind us and began a series of zooming races around the small home to clean non-existent dust and make a proper meal for an apparently starving konoichi.

"Obaa-san, the meal really isn't necessary, you've already fed me! Don't feel the need to overwork yourself on my account." I insisted politely, trying to keep the woman from having a heart attack or something else that kills decaying old people.

_But Satsu, should really think that way when you're just as old if not ol-_

At that point I decided that my conscience needed to shut up, crawl in a hole somewhere, and die. Thoughts like those where traitorous and off-limits.

--X--

I stayed at the old lady's house for almost a week. Checking my calendar one morning showed me that my three-month reprieve was then over, so I masked my chakra flawlessly, and prayed he didn't show up. Unfortunately, the old woman noticed my edginess.

"Setsuna-chan, what's bothering you today? You seem uncomfortable, or if you don't mind me saying so, a little scared." Damn her perceptive old lady blind eyes with big glasses. I looked up from the shirt I was patching up for my getaway run when Kakuzu showed up and faked a smile.

"Oh, it's nothing. Just something my ex-boyfriend promised me a while back is bugging me, that's all." I lied, blushing and looking to my work again.

_Don't pry. Don't pry. __Don't pry!_

"Oh, young love is so full of troubles nowadays. Tell me, what happened between you two?" Not only did the conversation have to be ruined by the only lie I could think of, but she was forcing me to expound upon said lie? Seriously, Karma must have felt like pimp-slapping me in the face at every turn.

"Well, he was way too possessive over me, and didn't like it when I went on missions with my squad because they were all men, and didn't let me wear what I felt like wearing… So I told him I wanted freedom and broke up with him." I lied, sounding just like a suspense horror thriller in the making.

"How sad! To think a young man would be so inconsiderate to his girlfriend. Shame on these boys lately." She grumbled in an elderly way. But just when I thought I could avoid a grilling, she threw a new question at me.

"What was the promise?" I scrambled for a cover, but could think of only one thing.

"He promised that in three months he would find me and bring me back to our village and prove that he is the only person for me. The problem is, he's a really powerful shinobi, and a little psychotic, so I don't think he would have forgotten his promise." I improvised, sounding believable to even my ears. I mean, it's not _that_ far from the truth, right?

"Oh dear. I see why you're worried now. Is there anything I could do to help?" She asked, placing a hot cup of tea beside my shirt on the table. I set my work down and drank some of her trademark 'Relaxed and Comforted' herbal blend of tea which she sold at the local market. The perfect tea for this situation, if you ask me.

"No, Obaa-san, I don't think you can. When I see him again we'll just have to work it out like responsible adults. Or, we'll likely have a battle worthy of the Great Ninja Wars. I'm not sure which." I laughed nonchalantly, waving a dismissive hand in the air at the notion. No need to talk about this anymore, anyway.

**--X--**

Two days. Two agonizing days of unrest and anticipation. Not the "I'm going to the Sakura Festival!" kind of anticipation, the evil "I'm going to the gallows" kind. It sucks. Big time.

I sat in the ornate and cozy kitchen, Miso in one hand, spoon in another, eating like a madwoman. I mean, who knew when my last meal at Granny's would be?

_Kakuzu might._

Alright, seriously, can someone shoot the voice in my head? She gets on my last nerve.

**Dingggggg-Dongggggg**

My head shot up from my food at the sudden noise. I sat in fear, double checking that my chakra was masked and my henge was intact. I heard a familiar "I'll get it!" from the old lady, and a shuffling in the hallway heading towards the front door. I rose, carefully putting my dishes on the try left for me, and followed the old lady to the door.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God! This isn't happening!_

And there they were, the Devil and the Grim Reaper, at the door. Yay for me. Obaa-san was standing in the doorway, obviously a little perturbed by the overpowering dominant presences in her doorway.

Slowly she turned to me, whispering into her hand.

"Crazy ex-boyfriend indeed. Scary bastard isn't he?" she whispered futily, and by the oblivious look on her face, she must not have noticed the surge of murderous intent from the doorway.

"Grandma, I'll be going now. Please take care of yourself!" I said, grabbing my travel pack and walking out the door. I closed it quietly and turned to face them both.

And ran.

I got into town 3 miles away and was in a back-ally before my hopes of escape were crushed, as was I. I felt multiple strings twirl my body around and slam it against a brick wall, holding my limbs tight all the while. Kakuzu stalked toward me, while Hidan leaned against the opposite wall with his eyes closed.

"How rude of you Satsu-chan. I only wanted to say hello." Kakuzu joked, standing a foot in front of me. I looked up into his piercing eyes and shuddered involuntarily, refusing to grace him with a reply.

"Ah, now now! Still so rude. Maybe you just haven't learned your manners yet." He said, the strings tightening around me and forcing me to wince in pain. To my dismay, a small "Eep" escaped my lips as well.

"You should be the one talking about manners, especially since you're so gentlemanly and charming." I retorted, straining at my bonds. His eyes flickered in rage and my blood turned to ice.

"The way I see it girl, you have few options. One: I kill you and turn you in" I scoffed at that point, and he noticed. He grabbed my throat harshly, choking most of my airway.

"Two: I turn you in alive. Three: You work as a subordinate of the Akatsuki, namely me. of course, if you don't like those options, I'm sure there are… Other things you could barter with." He said smoothly.

_Oh no he did not. He didn't just suggest that I…_

"Are you insinuating that I would offer myself to you for an easy escape? No way buddy. You must have been born at the top of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on your way down." I said, exuding a malicious aura as I portrayed an insane smirk. His hand tightened around my throat fully as Hidan began laughing himself to death.

"Wrong choice." was the last thing I heard before he shattered my windpipe and spine in one move, throwing my body at Hidan in the process.

**--X--**

I sat by the tree, desperately trying to soothe the muscles in my neck as I stared warily at my captors, their backs toward me as they faced the fire. Seriously, re-adjusting injuries that would leave a normal person dead was uncomfortable. Not that I'm complaining about being abnormal, not at all.

I stood as quietly as I could, which wasn't very quiet at all as I had to catch myself multiple times on the rough bark of the tree and adjust my feet on top of crunchable leaves. But, all that trouble was worth it for the looks on their faces.

"N-nice try there, but –huff- I'm not going to die that ea-huff-sily." I panted as I smirked, hunched over and definitely looking grotesque with my head at an odd angle and the left-over scratches and bruises littering my limbs from my so called 'death' earlier.

"Now, Hidan, would you be a gentleman and find me a few painkillers?'

**--X--**

Cliffhanger!

Bear with me on this one, I won't be able to update until

mid-August.

Hope you enjoyed!

Yuki


	3. Civil War

_A/N: Satsu's back! Be prepared for Hidan-bashing my lovely readers, because whether or not I personally like Hidan, I'm not so sure Satsu shares my opinion of him after this chapter…_

_I'd also like to apologize for the delay in updating, I've been having a lot of personal issues, i.e. breakups, new people living in my house, illness and death in the family, etc._

Thanks for reviews goes to:

GlitterHunter

Korosuhito

La Baker

Lilgal22

ShikaKibaShinoGal

Jaime Snyder

ninja enchantress

Torch Phoenix

jinxed pixie

NightmareAngel365 (for both reviews)

tomato sauce

And thanks for all the favorites and alerts, you guys are the greatest!

_Recap:_

_I sat by the tree, desperately trying to soothe the muscles in my neck as I stared warily at my captors, their backs toward me as they faced the fire. Seriously, re-adjusting injuries that would leave a normal person dead was uncomfortable. Not that I'm complaining about being abnormal, not at all._

_I stood as quietly as I could, which wasn't very quiet at all as I had to catch myself multiple times on the rough bark of the tree and adjust my feet on top of crunchable leaves. But, all that trouble was worth it for the looks on their faces. _

_"N-nice try there, but –huff- I'm not going to die that ea-huff-sily." I panted as I smirked, hunched over and definitely looking grotesque with my head at an odd angle and the left-over scratches and bruises littering my limbs from my so called 'death' earlier. _

_"Now, Hidan, would you be a gentleman and find me a few painkillers?'_

**----X----**

"I'm bored." I said listlessly, playing with a lock of my short white-blonde hair, comparing it to Hidan's old man hair.

"I don't care." Kakuzu returned from a little farther up the road.

"Remind me again why I'm being carried like a sack of potatoes? I'm not all that comfortable over here on Man-Skank's shoulder. It's rather bony, actually." I said, poking the shoulder in question. I receiver an irritated grunt from Hidan, and he bounced his shoulder, causing me to wince as said bony shoulder blade indented my stomach.

"I'm booooorrrrreeeeedddd….." I whined profusely, pounding my small fists into Hidan's back.

"Hello Bored, I'm Kakuzu." Kakuzu said with a smirk in his tone. That comment meant war. I looked around for proper ammunition.

_What can I use to chuck at Sir I'm a Big Fat Jerk?_ I thought idly, staring at Hidan's kunai holster. Just then, a big rock was kicked up by Hidan sliding on the gravel down a small hill.

_Perfect…_ I snatched the rock out of the air, preparing to throw at my nemesis. I waited patiently for the perfect opportunity, then _bam,_ my rock made contact with the back of his skull, making a loud ka-thunk sound.

"What the hell?!?" Hidan bellowed as Kakuzu chucked a revenge rock at my butt with ninja-precise aim without even turning around to look. (I mean, he _is_ a ninja after all…)

"Watch it you retard! You could have hit me in the eye dammit!" Hidan growled, his own stone at ready in his left hand. I giggled silently. I knew the _Hi Bored, I'm Kakuzu _comment meant war, but I didn't expect a civil war. I decided to keep my mouth shut and watch.

"Oh, I'm sorry, was the immortal cultist scared of a pebble?" He taunted, still walking ahead of Hidan and I. I laughed so hard tears formed in my eyes. I was unceremoniously dropped and as I rolled out of the way of Hidan's feet, I heard the _thunk_ of a rock meeting Kakuzu's skull.

All went silent, except for Hidan's labored breathing. I was a tad wigged out that these two could act like super-powered two-year-olds and call themselves criminals, but at the same time amused. I knew as well, that now was high time for me to disappear.

All too soon, rocks a _little_ bit bigger than pebbles where rocketing back and forth with killing intent in their flight. I discreetly slid under a bunch of bushes to my right, hiding underneath. Peeking out from behind a few large green leaves, I stared wide-eyed at the battle before me.

Kakuzu was clearly winning, but that didn't mean Hidan hadn't his fair share of good shots in. Beige spots of sandy soil and dust speckled the two missing nin, making it look like the two were having a dirt fight rather than a rock fight in all honesty.

Suddenly, both shinobi were at a standstill. All that could be heard on the gravel path was the sound of labored breathing and cloaks flapping in the breeze. Theatrical and suspense-building, no?

Jutsu enhanced rocks began to shoot in all directions as I finally decided to roll farther underneath the meager protection of the brush.

_Alright, now's my only opportunity to escape. Here goes nothing!_ I thought as I formed the seals for instant teleportation. Just as my hands formed the final seal, a gloved hand slapped across my mouth and jerked my head backwards into a burly torso.

_Uh-oh…_

"What the hell do you think you're doing, wench? How old do you think we are, two? We weren't fucking born yesterday, you know!" Hidan yelled as soon as Kakuzu had tossed me into the rocky path between them. I sat up painfully, leaning heavily on my right arm.

"You could've fooled me…" I mumbled dejectedly as I tried (and failed) to stand back up. My legs and spine still weren't quite up to par yet apparently. Kakuzu grabbed me by the throat, again, and lifted me up so that I was level with his neon green eyes.

"What did you just say, brat?" Kakuzu whispered, his voice dripping with malice. He was probably just trying to be fierce after his kindergarten-esque battle royale with Hidan. Too bad for him that I was too pissed off, him thwarting my escape and all.

"Put me down you whiny little bastard! You're such a baby; I can't **believe** we are from the same generation! Seriously I… ah!" Kakuzu's hand tightened considerably and the look in his eyes made my insides turn to ice. That's when I realized what had just come out of my mouth.

_Oh Kami, I didn't just say that… He's so going to kill me! He's sooo going to kill me!_ I thought as I landed on my butt and quickly shuffled backwards, only to run into Hidan's feet in the process. My eyes went wide with fear as he got closer. The tell-tale symptoms of a panic attack set in, including a racing pulse, buzzing in my ears, cold sweat and muscle spasms. At that moment, I was more afraid than any other thing I've experienced in my near century of life.

"What was that?" He asked, couching down to face me.

"And what is this?" He said, grabbing my wrist and pulling my sleeve back enough to reveal a tattoo in kanji on it. I looked down and shook my head, hoping he would get the message that I wasn't saying a word.

Next thing I knew, he injected some sort of knock-out meds into my thigh and I was in la-la land for a long time, which, now that I have the power of hindsight, was a lot more pleasant than I thought la-la-land could be at the time.


	4. Of Good and Bad Cops, Part One

_**A/N:**__ The psychological torture chapter! For all those fans who enjoy mental battles and convoluted interrogation tactics, here's the chappy for you! I also wanted to warn all of you, as the story progresses, the chapters will get longer. Not that any of you will mind, I'm sure. _

Thanks for all the favorites, reviews, alerts, and comments on this story! (Especially from the gang who haunts GlitterHunter Okaa-san's c-box.)

_**Review thanks to:**_

_nekosoulreaper_

_tomato sauce_

_Friglit_

_Xiaahandrus_

_passionatewhatever_

_and Kiwiuchi!_

**----X----**

_Recap:_

_"What was that?" He asked, couching down to face me. _

_"And what is this?" He said, grabbing my wrist and pulling my sleeve back enough to reveal a tattoo in kanji on it. I looked down and shook my head, hoping he would get the message that I wasn't saying a word._

_Next thing I knew, he injected some sort of knock-out meds into my thigh and I was in la-la land for a long time, which, now that I have the power of hindsight, was a lot more pleasant than I thought la-la-land could be at the time._

**Chapter Four: Of Good and Bad Cops, Part One**

**----X----**

"I do not interrogate… women." A deep, commanding, and quiet voice stated imperiously, the sound coming to my ears muffled by a steel door. Slowly, I became aware of my surroundings as the numbing effects of the drug wore off. I began a systematic check of my body and assessed any damage I could find without moving.

"Oh, what the hell? Haven't you heard that chivalry is dead, Itachi-san?" I heard Hidan ask cynically. My mind finally put two and two together. I was in an interrogation room of sorts, and my proposed interrogator was, if I assumed correctly, Uchiha Itachi. Fun, fun, fun.

"If you are averse to interrogating women on the basis that they are weaker, mentally or physically, I'll bet that you'll have a challenge proving that theory on the new captive." Kakuzu said matter-of-factly, which would have, on any other day, had me basking in the glow of his complement, had Itachi not been in the equation.

My check for damages was complete, and I sported a few cracked ribs, a damaged trachea, a bruised wrist, and a sore tailbone. Plus all previous injuries were almost gone, leaving stiffness in my neck muscles like no one's business. A massage would have helped, but I supposed asking for a massage in the middle of my interrogation would blow over like a fart in a gale of wind. Maybe it would serve to fluster Itachi! I stored that idea in my arsenal of distractions, just in case.

"Okay, if Itachi-san is doing the questioning, why are we here, yeah?" A slightly adolescent voice interjected, sounding mildly annoyed. There was a follow-up grunt, which I assumed was the grunt of whoever else was with the young man.

"Well, Kakuzu came up with a retarded plan. First, he was going to have that bastard" no doubt about it, Hidan was getting a glare that would have the devil quaking in his britches from Itachi, "go in and scare the living shit outta the little bitch, and then you idiots go in and make all fucking nice and stuff, getting the info that Kakuzu, and Leader-Sama, wants." I was close to giggling my head off. They were, in effect, trying to use the 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' scenario on me. Backwards. What kind of idiot doesn't know the 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' routine?

"Fine." Itachi sighed, sounding particularly unhappy about this idea. Not that I blame him, I'm a terror to interrogate. That is when a thought struck me. It was obvious that Itachi doesn't find this sort of thing palatable, so maybe I could play up that note a little! I craftily formulated a plan of action.

"Her name is Shakkin Satsu. She is a surveillance and reconnaissance Nin, A-ranked and missing from Suna. She has a sealing kanji tattoo on her right forearm she refuses to tell me about. She is a genjutsu specialist, especially in the area of personal transformations. Also, she slipped up and mentioned something about being my age." Kakuzu listed to Itachi everything he knew about me in an orderly and mannerly list, but his voice betrayed some annoyance in his delivery. I wondered why, but then again, who knew? He seemed perpetually irritated by something or another.

"Your age? Wait, how old _are_ you, anyway?" a gravelly and previously unheard voice asked incredulously. At least they didn't ask me my age! Seriously, asking me my age would put anybody on my shit-list for eternity. There was a stony silence for a few moments on the other side of my cell door, until Kakuzu finally answered.

"Seventy-five." I heard sniggering and a loud thump, followed by an "ouch" from the unidentified young man.

"Keep these imbeciles quiet Kakuzu." Itachi said flatly as he opened my cell door. As he swept gracefully into the room, I sat up straight and tall in my chair as if I had a spine of iron. Who knows, maybe I was convincing enough to fool the sharingan with feigned nerve? It was certainly worth risking, in my opinion. Any point I could get on the Uchiha would help my plan.

"As a man of passive character, I'm assuming that you find interrogating me rather, ehm, distasteful." I said, expertly controlling my heart rate and even managing to look him in the eyes.

"I like guys like you, so here's my take on this state of affairs: I'll tell you whatever you think you need to know, so long as you let Dumb and Dumber in here next without saying a word about my forthrightness, so I can have a little fun!" I laughed, throwing my arms behind my head. I intentionally left myself open, hoping to send the subconscious message that I meant no harm, and threw in the message that I believed he wouldn't betray my immediate trust. After all, why not use body language to my advantage? The perception of body language makes up seventy-five percent of human communication anyway.

"I'm sure you are just as appalled as I am at their misconception of the 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' technique, seriously." I lowered my arms to the table in front of me, folding my hands in a businesslike manner. I stared intently into his spinning black and crimson eyes with more courage than I thought I could muster. A strange, unreadable expression passed over his face for a moment, and he deemed himself the right to sit across the table from me.

If anything in the entire world impressed me, it was Itachi's skill in mental battle. By sitting on the other side of the table, he was trying to lead me into a false sense of familiarity. Clever, but, he revealed his knowledge of my body actions. I deemed it time to use another tactic, should the need for persuasion arise.

"Summon whatever is sealed in your tattoo." He ordered. I did so happily, glad he thought well of my plan. No, Itachi didn't exactly _tell me_ that he liked my plan, but something about him seemed, I dunno, impressed by me? No, something else that I can't place. I suppose that doesn't matter, really. I guess you could say I picked up a good vibe from him.

A small 'poof' and some brownish, musty smog accompanied the appearance of my very, very old scroll. My heart fluttered. I was only supposed to summon this scroll three times in my life. Oh well, I hope my mentor's spirit doesn't haunt me for breaking the unwritten taboo. Now, being immortal and having _him_ up my ass would suck!

"Fifty-eight years ago, I was told to sign this scroll in blood and accept an apprenticeship from a man named Samejima Sanosuke, of Takigakure. He was the creator of what Nin now call 'The Bingo Book.'" I said, unrolling the scroll and pointing to my signature in muddy vermillion on the yellowed parchment.

"I know the name." Itachi muttered darkly, pondering. Or at least, I was pretty sure he was pondering. He pointed to my teacher's signature, right above mine.

"His is not in blood." He noted, looking into my eyes, almost daring to challenge his observation and lie to him. The Uchiha may think I had a death wish to try and fulfill, but I didn't feel like testing the waters against Tsukiomi.

"Correct. This scroll has a peculiar effect on its owners, you see. But as the creator of the sealing scroll, he was exempt." I looked down, and moved my pale finger to the third signature on the paper, also mine.

"This one was made fifty-three years ago, when my Sensei passed the duty of information gathering on to me in full." I said, smiling softly as I absentmindedly rubbed my scarred thumb over with my forefinger, feeling the familiar lump of my tissue created when I had broken the skin to sign.

"The strange effects of the scroll applied to me, however, and until a student of my choice signs this scroll the second time at the age of twenty, after his first signing and five years of training, I'm frozen in time, perpetually twenty." I petered down to a whisper, trying to pull in the 'Pity the Weak, Foolish Girl' card by sounding regretful of my optional indefinite lifestyle.

"Frozen. You mean to say immortal." Itachi deadpanned, all emotional pleas flying over his head. I found it funny for a moment that Itachi never really asked questions, but instead made statements and compelled me to elaborate on them with sheer force of will and a well-placed glare. I suppose being damn close to an omnipotent being and a friggin' legend does that for a person's powers of intimidation.

"Fair enough. Thank you." Itachi said gruffly as he stood swiftly, his chair scraping the cement floor loudly. As he walked to wards the door, he stopped.

"Look weary, or fearful." He commanded lightly without looking over his shoulder, and I was not wont to ignore him. I'm sure he had his reasons. He had to save his pride from a conniving little konoichi somehow, I suppose. I couldn't help but giggle for a second as I willed my limbs to droop and eyes to shadow over. He paused again, his hand on the handle of the steel door.

"I'm watching." He said darkly, turning his face three quarters towards me. My initial reaction was to be afraid of him, but then I caught the glint in his eyes, a sparkle of mischief. He was going to watch me give the other two shit, he meant. And I sure as hell didn't want to disappoint him. It was in that moment I realized that Itachi was just the sort of guy I enjoyed being around. Maybe even an ideal friend for me, I dunno. If I stayed around long enough, he wouldn't be bad to hang around at least.

As Itachi left the room, I got a glimpse of the group of people outside of it, at a table playing cards. A young, blonde, androgynous guy stood up as well as a large, bulky blue-skinned guy with gills and a large cloth wrapped thing on his back.

Iwagakure no Deidara and Kirigakure no Hosigaki Kisame. This was going to be fun!


	5. Of Good and Bad Cops, Part Two

_A/N: I'm so angry. I received an anonymous review (since deleted) that flamed my character for being a Mary Sue. He/She/It also accused me of screwing up Itachi's character terribly and said and I quote: "how dare you insulte his memorie by putting him in your Mary-sue sorty?!?!" I tell you now; I prefer flames with proper grammar, Thankyouverymuch! Although, I do still feel like I screwed him up a little… _

_At least getting the review inspired another fanfic plot! I hope to get it down soon, and its name will be __Mary Sue-per Powers.__ It'll be about a girl named Marissa Susan Moonlight-Brightman, who realizes she is the epitome of Mary Sue, and tries to change herself before she screws up the Naruto world beyond recognition. Yay for crackfic-y goodness!_

_Anyway, thanks for all the great favorites and alerts, as well as the encouraging reviews! (I got too many to write all of your names down! Squee!) They help a ton, no matter how small. I'm also very sorry about the terrible updating on my part… Tell me your opinions, ideas, and guesses for the next chapters! You might just give me an idea!_

_**Favorite Line contest! Paste or type your favorite line from any chapter in your review please!**_

_**No recap today! I'm too lazy.**_

**Chapter Five: Of Good and Bad Cops, Part Two**

**----X----**

One thing I've noticed in my many years of life is that you can tell a lot about somebody by the way they walk and their average posture. And what I gathered from my new interrogators seemed to fit their wanted posters perfectly!

Deidara walked in first, his head held high and a smirk on his face. 'Audacious' and 'Cocky' are the words most people would construe his behavior as, but not me. most people use arrogance as a façade to hide behind when they feel unimportant or overlooked, but some people, such as Deidara, have every reason to look down on the majority of the world's population: Power, fame (or in his case, infamy,) money, fairly good looks, etc. the perfect ingredients to cook yourself up a dangerous and arrogant nutcase who'll always be ready to blow your head off.

Moving on to Kisame, I noticed his detachment from Deidara's personality right away. His muscles in his shoulders and neck looked stiff and battle-ready, partially hidden from the bulk of untrained society. His eyes searched first me, then the rest of the room, cool and calculating. In Kisame, at least, a few intelligent streaks showed his skills. It really is too bad that I can't take him seriously because of his unusual appearance. I mean come on, blue skin and gills? Was his mom a guppy or something?

Neither took a chair on the other side of the table, and both looked confusedly at each other for a moment. An unspoken battle of eyes and glances ensued, lasting for a whopping total of three minutes.

They were deciding who got to talk first. It was painful to hold in my laugh as I pretended to be nearly dead (although, with the way I'd been treated in the past few days, I was pretty close to dead and theoretically speaking, didn't really need to act.)

"Shakkin-san, um…. Well…. Um…" Kisame began tentatively, staring at the floor as if it was the most interesting object in the world. A giggle clogged my throat, and tears started to fall down my bruised cheeks. I hid the giggle, but my pent up emotion was getting the better of me. Deciding that laughing hysterically was a little out of character at the moment, I decided to go with the innocent, sad approach. I was small enough to be an adorable teenage girl anyway.

I let out a false sob, sending the two guys in the room on edge. After all, no man knows how to handle a woman when she cries. Looking up with wide, tear-laden eyes, I stared at the two hopeless men imploringly. I imagined that I was the picture of a poor, pitiful, beaten up hostage/captive. That's when I dropped my first bomb.

"Please, get me out of here before _he _comes back! Please!" I begged, putting on one hell of a show. I began with sniffles, and their faces began to grow worried. As I worked my way to uncontrollable sobbing, their faces grew to an expression of utter panic.

"Wait, calm down, yeah! He's not coming back in here! I promise, yeah!" Deidara fumbled, waving his hands in frustration and alarm. I quieted my sobs a little as Kisame half-heartedly patted me on the back in consolation. Like I said, men are terrible with crying females.

"Y-you promise?" I asked hopefully after a few more choked sobs. I turned the full force of my golden puppy-dog eyes on him, throwing him even more off balance. Kami was this fun!

"We promise! Just please calm down!" Kisame said, sighing in vexation. I was trying his nerves terribly, I could tell. The two finally sat down on the chairs opposite me, now feeling that I was no longer mentally unstable.

"Shakkin-san, we just want some information, and if you give us what our leader wants, you'll never have to face Itachi-san again. Understand?" Kisame asked, addressing me with the cautious (and somewhat derogatory) tone a teacher uses on a rather dull child. I nodded, sniffing my last false sad sniffle. Smiling a little, I looked into their faces again, a deceptively innocent façade still in place.

"Okay then, yeah. How old are you?" Deidara asked, throwing one of his arms over the back of his chair nonchalantly. Kisame puckered his face up at the bluntness of his current partner's question, preparing for another female mood swing. I do have to add as well, a puckering Kisame is hilarious to see.

"You jerk!" I shouted, crossing my arms and pouting with my head turned at an angle that made me look impish and pouting. I heard Deidara practically grinding his teeth to dust in frustration.

"You never,_ ever, _ask a woman's age." Kisame said through clenched teeth and drawn lips. Deidara whirled on his partner.

"And how would _you_ know how to talk to a woman, yeah?" He shot impetuously, making me feel a twinge of sympathy for Kisame. It's gotta stink looking as strange as he does when relationships are involved, after all.

"I didn't ignore my mother, and at least my looks are completely natural. Unlike you, I'm not a teenage girl who opted for a sex-changing surgery." Kisame returned evenly, not even a hint of amusement, hurt or sarcasm expressed. At that moment I decided I liked Kisame just as much as Itachi, simply for his crude comebacks and adherence to basic rules of chivalry (without going overboard on the 'I don't fight women' thing.) Plus, he was a lot closer to my age than both Deidara and Itachi.

"I'm twenty." I said, stopping the argument in its tracks, no matter how amusing it was. I decided to ask a question of my own to screw with their heads a little more.

"You said that your looks are natural… does that mean… Are you a…. Merman?" I ventured, sounding believably innocent and curious even to my own ears. Deidara howled with laughter and Kisame looked suitably flabbergasted. I glared at Deidara in my mind.

"And I didn't know they allowed girls into the Akatsuki!" I added sincerely, smiling at Deidara in what I knew would be a deceptively earnest and irritatingly cute face. It was Kisame's turn to fill the room with bellows of mirth as I came up with something else, another brilliant torture device: the secret pocket that only women have.

I reached into my shirt, between my breasts, and grabbed a lollipop I kept there for just such an occasion. I ignored the sudden silence and astonished stares as I unwrapped the lollipop and inserted it into my mouth. I looked at them with one eyebrow raised, tucked the candy into my right cheek, and asked them what they were staring at.

"Wha… What the hell was that?" Kisame stuttered, eyes wide. Deidara just looked at me with an infuriatingly condescending male looked that was supposed to make me feel like and idiot.

"If I keep things there, most people are guaranteed to not steal it, duh." I slurred, the lollipop obstructing my speech a little. Kisame just shrugged, accepting the thought. Deidara, however, haughtily shook his head and sniffed arrogantly, like the male sexist pig he was. I ignored him as best I could as I prepared what I predicted to be the last bomb of the day.

"So, are you a merman?" I asked again, receiving a clipped no. I shifted in my chair a little, looking confused or ponderous.

"Oh, I get it now! You were so upset when Zabuza and Haku died that you turned blue to match the sadness you felt!" Kisame flew out of his chair, dashing it against the cement plastered wall and storming out of the room. A laughing Deidara followed him out, closing the door behind them with a bang.

I began to laugh hysterically, running out of breath. I stopped, and listened as Deidara continued to laugh.

"Damn, Kisame. Who dunked you face in an ugly-ass shade of purple?" Hidan asked, inciting another burst of laughter from the blonde man. Shortly afterward, the laughter stopped as I heard a loud crashing sound. I assumed that Kisame had smashed Deidara into a wall, which turned out to be correct. Next thing I knew, Itachi walked back into my makeshift cell, and rewarded my performance with a cruel smirk. That was short-lived, however.

"I have informed our leader of what you answered, and he would like to see you in a half an hour. Kakuzu will escort you to him" He stated monotonously, unlocking the chains at my ankles and waist with a hand seal that I didn't recognize. We walked towards the door, but before he opened it, he uttered one word.

"Good." Was all he said, but from a genius, it was the only compliment I knew was available for distribution.

"I have already gathered all the information necessary, and reported to Leader-Sama. Kakuzu-san, escort Shakkin-san to him." Itachi ordered. I saw Kisame and Deidara's jaws hit the floor in shock/anger. As Kakuzu, Itachi and I walked into a long, dim hallway, I swear that I heard the blonde man mutter the word 'bastards'.

**----X----**

"So, you accept the terms of being a subordinate of the Akatsuki?" the dark silhouette known as Leader-Sama inquired. I sighed, annoyance overriding my respectful fear of this powerful man.

"Yes, but it doesn't sound like I get much say in the matter anyway." I reluctantly answered, crossing my arms loosely. The leader of the Akatsuki chuckled darkly.

"Impertinent, aren't you? I thought that being a basic and relatively unrestricted traveling informant was a pretty generous deal." He said, sounding very much like a manipulative street-gang , mob, or mafia ringleader. I shrugged in response.

"I was taught to value freedom of the press, and freedom of speech. Changing an ingrained habit such as my own will should prove to be frustrating." I replied calmly, with blasé indifference to whatever this leader guy had to say on the matter.

"Well, In any case, you'll have to fix that problem on your own. Let's see, I'll need to assign you an overseer. You will be assigned to…" Leader paused for dramatic effect. I decided huffing in insolence was probably stepping a little out of line, and remained silent as Kakuzu, Itachi and I awaited the announcement of my new manager.

"I believe you would work best with Zetsu. You'll wait here at the base until he returns from his current mission in two days, when he will find you and instruct you on your duties." I nodded and bowed, muttering a thank you to the shadow behind the imposing desk. But despite my annoyance at a forced job, all I could focus on was what I knew was directly behind me: Two intense neon-green eyes burning a hole in the back of my head as Itachi and Kakuzu showed me around the base.

**----X----**

_Next chapter: __Jealousy is a Green-Eyed Monster (And so is Kakuzu)_

_Also, by request, the old lady will be playing an important role later on! No, Kakuzu and Hidan didn't kill her._

_If you guys want updates more often, send me candy-canes and English breakfast tea. I always write better with them sitting next to me at my perch in the kitchen! Reviews are love!_

_Gin-Yuki-Dokuro-more names that I don't feel like writing_


	6. Jealousy's a GreenEyed Monster

_A/N: Thanks a lot, my marvelous defenders! You guys sure told that flamer! Bacchikoi (Bring it!), stupid flamer! (Gotta love the Eighth Naruto Shippuuden Ending, Believe it!)_

_Okaa-san, I promise you that this chapter doesn't pick on Kisame. I love Sushi-kun too. I apologize to my fellow Zetsu-fans, but Zetsu doesn't get much screen time this chapter, but I'll give him a good section of chapter seven. To Sasori fans, I apologize. He's a jerk in this chapter, but it couldn't be helped. I like all the members of the Akatsuki, so his portion of the chapter was difficult to write._

_If you want a good soundtrack for this chapter, listen to "Somebody's Watching ME" remake by Mysto & Pizzi. Gotta love those Geico commercials, no? Or, you could listen to "Criminal" by Fiona Apple, Satsu's theme song (sort of.)_

_For the reader who asked what Satsu looked like, I'll be posting a link to the picture that inspired this fic on my profile page! Feel free to check it out. While you're there, take a look at my other fics!_

_And on the note of romance…. It is coming soon Sandra-san! (Winks slyly…)_

**Chapter Six: Jealousy is a Green-Eyed Monster (And so is Kakuzu)**

**----------X----------**

"Is there a particular reason you're staring at my feet, Deidara-chan?" I asked testily, wiggling the items in question. I was currently laying upside-down on one of the couches in the 'Akatsuki Break Room,' which consisted of four couches, all arranged in a square in the back half of the room, and a table near the entrance. All of the walls were covered in bookshelves filled with books and scrolls.

"If you have something to ask the lady, spit it out blondie." Kisame muttered from the

furthermost couch, the one facing me. I smiled and continued cleaning the pile of kunai on my stomach, marveling at the respect I was receiving from Kisame. I suppose apologizing helped him warm up to the real me.

"What's immortality like, yeah? I mean, some of the others in Akatsuki told me, but…" Deidara trailed, sounding for the moment like an insecure teenager. Although, I had to wonder what his other answers were, who from, and what prompted this questioning.

"Well, immortality is a drag." I deadpanned, and I heard Kisame grunt in something akin to amusement. Silence reigned behind my couch, and I could imagine Deidara staring incredulously at my feet as they stood straight up in the air.

"Psht. What kind of an answer is that, yeah?" Deidara scoffed, and I glared at the space above the back of the couch.

"Would you care to have me elaborate?" I asked stiffly, feeling a little impatient. After all, I had time to kill, and I didn't feel like giving my life story to an idiot who wouldn't appreciate it.

"Now you've got me curious." Kisame muttered, setting down the scroll of (forbidden) jutsus he was reading. He looked at me expectantly, and I sighed. At least one person around here was sane, even if he did look weird!

"Well, immortality, in general, is an over-idealized theory." I stated, waving my hand in a gesture of dismissal. I traded kunai and continued.

"To live forever, in itself, is wonderful. For a shinobi or konoichi however, embracing immortality, or living longer than most even, grates against the way we are trained from the minute we enter the academy to the minute they let us out and on missions. We are trained to expect a short life, after all." I threw my cleaned kunai to imbed it in the ceiling, startling Deidara in the process.

"Why do you ask, Mr. 'Life-Is-Fleeting?'" I added sarcastically. It wasn't that I didn't like Deidara; it was just that I didn't _like_ him. He annoyed me with his smugness, and treated me with very little respect. Even after the revelation that I had totally schooled him and Kisame in the interrogation, with a little help from Itachi, the fact that I was female and only an A-ranked nin lowered my respectability in his eyes (sorry, eye and scope).

"Well, I don't know, yeah. You just seem different from the other immortal or really-damn-old-and-still-kicking people I've met, yeah." To that observation, I gave him credit. Even a retard could notice that I was different that Hidan and Kakuzu!

I suddenly felt another presence enter the room, and saw Kisame look up towards the door. Setting the weapons I was working on aside, I grabbed the back of the couch and sat up, folding myself in half so I could see our intruder.

"Oh, hey Uchiha-san!" I smiled, waving as I lowered myself back to my work, my hair brushing the rug as it hung off the couch.

"Hn."

"Well, aren't you the poet today." I muttered, grinning. Kisame's face contorted and I could tell he was having a helluva time holding in a laugh. I mean come on, how many times did people get away with insulting the Uchiha prodigy in his company?

"Wanna play a game of Go, Uchiha-san?" I ask, sounding chipper and happy as I rolled over backwards to get off the couch. Grabbing a Go board off one of the bookshelves, I walked over to the table and sat down across from him, next to an irked Deidara. Oddly enough, Itachi helped me to sort out the black and white markers. Even more amusing, he gave himself the black pieces, ensuring he got the first turn. Clever bastard.

"You said I seemed different, how so?" I asked my impromptu Go partner as he pointed at where he thought my piece should go. He shifted and began to tap the table.

"I mean… well… you seem, well, sort of…" I laughed, slapping him on the back.

"Well, you seem…. You seem younger than the others, yeah." He finished tentatively scooting away from me as Kisame sat across from him next to Itachi, holding his scroll.

"That's because I keep with the times, rather than letting myself fall into old-fart-itude." I said sardonically, freezing and looking out the open door. Kakuzu was standing in the doorway, staring directly at me. I glanced to the side, and noticed the hostile stares from my companions, and looked back at Kakuzu in confusion. He narrowed his eyes, still directing his glare at me, and then left.

"That was…. Odd." I mumbled, feeling awkward. Deidara nodded, resuming our game against Itachi by capturing three of his black pieces and effectively turning them white.

"Do you guys know what all that was about?" I asked, gazing resolutely at the game board. I registered another monosyllabic grunt from Itachi. How helpful was that?

"I don't like him, yeah. Anybody who forces someone into the Akatsuki deserves to be hated, yeah." Deidara mumbled to me, placing a well-aimed glare in Itachi's direction. I nodded my silent agreement. I preferred being a free-agent, and would have gladly allied with Akatsuki. Resentment gathered in my heart for the man that forced Leader-Sama to employ me full time as a terrorist organization's private investigator.

"Well, Satsu-chan, don't worry too much about him. You're assigned to Zetsu-san, right?" Kisame asked, suggesting a move for Deidara and me rather than teaming with Itachi. I glanced at the board and sighed. This game was hopeless. After all, I was facing a genius.

"And I don't like him either, I mean, if he can kill a girl," I raised an eyebrow at Kisame, "Ahem, lady, without caring and planning on turning her in for a bounty, he doesn't deserve my respect." The blue man told me, leaning back a little to reopen his scroll.

"Plus, he beat the shit out of a konoichi who isn't even at his level, yeah." Deidara added, poking a bruise on my exposed shoulder. I winced and shied away from him a little as he smirked.

"Do I really look that bad?" I asked, surveying my arms for wounds.

"You look like the living dead, pardon the pun." Kisame grinned a broad and sharp-toothed grin.

"Point taken." I grumbled, rubbing my neck.

"Back to immortality, yeah. How old are" Kisame reached across the table and whack Deidara on the head. Deidara pouted irritably, rubbing the side of his head.

"As I was asking, yeah. How old are you frozen at?" He asked, watching for another meaty arm attack. I wanted to laugh at his grammar, but answered him instead, staying Kisame's arm as it threatened to swing again.

"I am frozen at the tender age of twenty." I said, placing my last piece on the board, finishing the game of Go. I yawned, stretching with my arms in the air. I grabbed another lollipop from my bra, eliciting a curious look from Itachi and muttered annoyance from the other two. I popped it in my mouth gleefully, giggling.

"How many of those do you have?" Itachi asked, his partner and Deidara looking at him quickly in surprise. They probably got whiplash from turning their heads so fast.

"A lady is entitled to her secrets, Uchiha-san. Would you like one?" I replied politely, proffering another one from my shirt and holding it out to him. I could have sworn I saw Deidara roll his eyes. Itachi merely shook his head, and I returned the lollipop to my stash.

"Does anybody know where I could take a nap and clean up a little? I'm starting to get a little crusty." I inquired cynically, itching at a scab on my wrist. Flakes of dried blood and caked dirt fluttered to the floor, and Kisame wrinkled his nose.

"One last question, yeah, and I'll lead you to the subordinate's wing. Zetsu-Sama will know where to find you; he'll probably just send his other sub Tobi to get you, yeah." Deidara offered, and I nodded my ok to his proposal.

"Whenever I read the Bingo Book, I pictured you differently, yeah. You were like a shadowy-ish person, kinda like Leader-Sama, who controlled and manipulated people to get information. Why did you describe yourself like that in your entry, yeah?" He asked as I stood to grab my weapons pouch and newly polished weapons. I thought for a moment, and stood on the couch to get the kunai I had embedded in the ceiling down.

"Because, I thought if everyone viewed me as a mystery, maybe people wouldn't question me so much. If I told them I was a fun-loving lollipop lover or something, I'd seem too human. Too mortal. Too… real." I answered, jumping onto the back of the couch and landing in an a-typical ninja crouch.

"And, like I said earlier, immortality isn't worth… Holy shit!" I tried to twist away from the kunai that flew into the break room, but managed to have it puncture my left lung through my back. I gagged on the blood the rushed into my throat, dropping like a fly off the back of the couch.

Deidara and Kisame shot up so quickly that they knocked their chairs over. Itachi, however, managed to stand just as quickly without knocking over his seat. Kisame went to grab me, sitting me up so I didn't drown on my blood. Deidara and Itachi simply stared through the doorway, presumably at my attacker.

"I dislike your knew take on the immortality issue, Satsu-senpai. Weren't you the one who told me, and I quote, 'how wonderful it was to go into battle without being afraid of death, to wake up every morning knowing that today will be today, and tomorrow is always an option?' I heard a deep voice recite, completely devoid of emotion. Kisame helped me to sit up, and I looked at an older version of the Sasori I had once been a substitute teacher for at the academy.

"Well, Sasori-kun, it seems that the mistakes of my youth have caught up to me lately, and I could care less what your opinion on the issue is." I gurgled a little, swallowing some blood back down. Slapping Kisame's hands away from me, I leaned on the back of the couch and stood up.

"Would you care if I mentioned, then, that that kunai would likely have killed you, had you not become an everlasting being?" Sasori replied dryly, crossing his arms as he continued on down the hallway. I practically boiled with rage.

"How dare you presume to understand my thoughts, you upstart?! Get back here and face me, you pretentious bastard!" I shouted, lurching to follow him out the door. Itachi threw his arm out in front of me, stopping my progress towards the hallway. I glared at him, my eyes locking on his crimson ones. He simply motioned to Kisame, who came up behind me to pick me up by the armpits like a little kid. I slumped like a kitten in his hold. It's not like I stood a chance against a man three times my strength and twice my size, anyway.

"Take her to Kakuzu." Itachi muttered, breaking eye contact with me and transferring it to Kisame. Deidara practically threw the Go board at him in fury.

"You can't take her there, not after all the shit he's already done to her, yeah!" Deidara protested, moving to block the doorway with his arms outstretched on either side. Kisame stopped, regarding the younger man's glare with a touch of trepidation.

"If you wish, you can accompany her there and watch them." Itachi dismissed, sighing in muted exasperation. I looked curiously at Deidara as he lowered his arms and moved to take me from Kisame. I was deposited gently in his arms, bridal style. Deidara walked resolutely out the door and down the dank hallway. I wished that I could talk without choking on the blood welling up to my mouth, but I settled for a nod and blushed.

"Don't mention it Satsu-senpai, yeah. You'll get blood on my cloak." He smirked. At least by the 'Senpai' I could tell that I finally merited respect from the mad bomber of the Akatsuki.

----------X----------

"Happy birthday to me." Kakuzu deadpanned as I spat up blood in his bedroom's trash can. Deidara stood sentient in the doorway, watching Kakuzu carefully like he was a volatile chemical ready to blow up a laboratory somewhere. Kakuzu was throwing a thick brown blanket over his bed to avoid getting blood on it.

"Sit, and bring the can with you." I did as I was told, glad that the trash can was small enough to fit on my lap. I hacked up another clot as Kakuzu removed the kunai in my back.

"You're lucky this isn't poisoned. Knowing Sasori, you could have been his next test dummy." Kakuzu muttered, examining the entrance wound. He stood from the bed and went into his bathroom to grab some peroxide or rubbing alcohol to disinfect the wound before sewing it up.

"You're going to have to take off your shirt and lay down so I can sew you up!" Kakuzu barked from the bathroom. I saw Deidara blush, and I motioned for him to turn around, smiling confidently to reassure him. I pulled my shirt off, and dumped the rest of my lollipops on Kakuzu's bedside table. Lying down on my stomach, I thanked the gods that I was wearing a tank top as well as a bra.

Kakuzu emerged from the bathroom, laughing at Deidara's back. I personally couldn't see what was so funny about propriety, but didn't bother to speak up.

"This will hurt you a lot more than it hurts me." Kakuzu drawled as he cut a slit up the back of my tank top to clear some workroom. I jumped as a cold washcloth dabbed at my wound, and winced when the peroxide started to eat away at my damaged, dead skin. Setting the dirtied washcloth aside, I watched as he applied chakra to the worst part of my wound, the area that the kunai pierced my lung.

Kakuzu gently placed his other hand on my forehead, endorphins released somewhere in my brain, and I relaxed into what I assumed was a chakra-based mental anesthetic of Kakuzu's design. Alarms went off in my mind, saying that I was too exposed to him, to comfortable, too unprotected. That thought barely registered, however, as my chemically manipulated conscience reminded me that Deidara was indeed at the doorway, and he would help me, should the need arise.

I closed my eyes and felt every movement of his chakra, the warm grounding of his hands, and (against my better judgment) a warm, tingly feeling winding around in my stomach, reaching up to constrict my heart. I recognized, with some trepidation, that the feeling felt an awful lot like a schoolgirl crush. And in my stupor, I found myself unable to fight the butterflies that come with the warm fuzzies.

All too soon, it seemed, Kakuzu removed his hands and I felt myself wishing that he would put his hands back on my back, feeling suddenly cold. I felt my skin burn with a blush as my full consciousness returned, and I pushed those traitorous feelings aside.

Kakuzu looked me in the eye, an assessing glance registering my blush. Slowly, he turned away silently, handing me a new shirt. It fit pretty well as I slid it on, and I wondered how on earth he came by women's clothing.

"Thanks, I really appreciate it." I said sincerely, grabbing my weapons pouch and lollipops. Deidara waved at me, and I followed him down the hallway a bit. Suddenly, something started to rise out of the floor, and I shrieked and hid behind Deidara, feeling very much in tune with my inner girl.

"You must be my new subordinate **it's not like I need another one."** The Venus-flytrap person said, his voice changing. I assumed this was my new manager, Zetsu.

"We have a mission with Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san **even though I'd rather relax than work with those bastards." **He intoned, his yellow eyes glancing at Kakuzu, who was approaching our group. I sighed. I should've known I would get stuck working with them! As I glanced at Kakuzu, though, I was more afraid of the rush of odd feelings earlier than actually.

And as Kakuzu passed me to follow Zetsu, I caught his eye for a moment, and my heart fluttered ever-so-slightly. What was wrong with me?

**----------X----------**

_Next Chapter: __The Nefarious Band of Ne'er-Do-Wells_

_Thanks for reading! As always, reviews are love!_

_Gin_


	7. Nefarious Band of Ne're Do Wells

_A/N: I'd like to first thank my lovely sister Kogamo for her storyline advice and putting up with my incessant babbling about plot bunnies. I must drive her batty. ("Why thank you, I love you very much!" –Kogamo)_

_I also want to tell you that I'm taking a quick break with this fic until I can write a few chapters of my new fic, To Be Labeled, a crack pairing extravaganza! Check it out, and please suggest crack pairings! I've posted an Itachi-Hinata, and am working on some other pairings/friend pairings, including Kakashi-Ino, Anko-Kisame, Deidara-Ino and Hidan-Jiraiya! _

_Alright, thank you for all the favorites, alerts and reviews, and thank you Kenna, since I couldn't reply to your anonymous review (too lazy to log on?)_

_I'm sorry the next update will be delayed!_

Chapter Seven: The Nefarious Band of Ne're-Do-Wells

----------X----------

"Why the hell do we have to go?" Hidan asked, sporting a surly-looking pout. I giggled, receiving a punch in the shoulder from said pouting man. Although it wasn't the strongest of punches, it still knocked me sideways quite a bit, and into another person. I looked up and blushed, staring into the mildly annoyed face of Kakuzu, and muttered a half-hearted apology as I gazed intently at the ground. Apparently Leader wasn't impressed by our (mainly Hidan's) antics.

"If you really need to know why your team is joining Zetsu and his subordinates on this mission, I'm sure he'll enlighten you." Leader dismissed, and Hidan and I left the room followed by Zetsu and his orange-masked sub. I decided to wait until Kakuzu was done talking so I could have a talk with leader about my work schedule and reporting criteria.

"Why won't you transfer her?" I heard an enraged Kakuzu shout trough the thick wood double doors. My curiosity piqued, I walked around the corner so I wouldn't be seen should someone leave. Putting my ear on the wall I listened.

"You know Satsu is far more suited to Zetsu's line of work, Kakuzu." Leader returned flatly. My heart started to speed up. They were talking about me! Pulling myself closer to the wall, I listened again.

"Then… I'll escort her and she can retrieve Orochimaru's ring. She's capable of being a member." Kakuzu plotted out rationally, and my heartbeat nearly stopped. Why was Kakuzu making such a fuss about my being Zetsu's sub? Cold fear gripped my heart and settled in my chest like a blanket.

"You know she is hardly able to battle a Sannin, Kakuzu. She's not a frontline nin." Leader returned, his voice still very level. I heard a shuffle, and willed my chakra to remain hidden even in my anxiety.

"Even so, if I did allow her to become a member, she would still not be your partner. She would still be a reconnaissance agent with Zetsu, only as his partner rather than subordinate." Leader added, and I heard a grunt of annoyance.

"Plus, Tobi is next in line for a place in our membership." Leader concluded, extracting a frustrated roar from Kakuzu as he stormed out of the room and down the opposite hallway. Turning heel, I ran down my hallway to the subordinate wing. Closing my door and locking it behind me, I walked into my bathroom, sinking down the wall and landing on the floor.

"Why? He hates me!" I mumbled as I hugged my knees tight to my chest. I was afraid, but at the same time, confused and flattered by Kakuzu's outburst. I caught my train of thought, forcing it to linger on the thought of flattery. It felt… Warm. I hadn't felt warmth like this since… I had never experienced this kind of warmth before.

I hazarded a guess that Granny would know, and be able to explain away my confusion.

With newfound resolve, I stood and headed down the labyrinthine hallways towards Leader's office. I was going to have to schedule a visit to the nice old lady and head there as soon as this stupid mission was over.

----------X----------

"Nice digs!" Hidan said appreciatively as he settled into his and Kakuzu's motel room. I remained unimpressed.

"Meh, this motel is cheap, there's no soap in the bathrooms, the vending machines are broken, and the beds smell funny." I listed to him scathingly as Zetsu entered the room. I noticed a smirk on his face right away, but couldn't place why he'd be smirking.

"This hotel isn't that bad. **You could sleep outside!"** Zetsu remarked, closing the door as all five of us met to plan our infiltration of a high-end casino, and retrieval of a valuable map.

"Point taken, Zetsu-Sama. Although, I don't usually take into account a nefarious band of ne're-do-wells and their rest stop arrangements. I usually stay at a hotel, rather than a cheap motel." I answered, settling into a chair at the cheap table near the window that was covered by tacky sea-green curtains. Crossing my legs, I propped my head on my palms and awaited Zetsu's game plan. My orange-masked fellow subordinate, who I now recognized by the name of Tobi, settled into the table's other chair.

"Here's our plan. **I have no plan."** Zetsu announced from his place atop the counter/entertainment center. I saw Hidan reach for a pillow to throw at him, but Kakuzu stopped him by leaning forward and stilling his arm from across the space between the two beds.

"Satsu will be heading up this mission. **You should see your faces." **I felt every eye rest on me and every head turn in my direction simultaneously. I straightened my back and crossed my arms, looking hard at Zetsu. My face displayed the utmost in blatant dislike of Zetsu's plan. Tobi slapped my back and laughed.

"Tobi wants to lead missions, but Satsu-chan looks mad!" He laughed, and I huffed, slapping the hand resting on my shoulder.

"Alright, here's the deal. We need blueprints or maps of the building, and updates on any surveillance precautions, General area and object specific." I began, pulling a notebook out of my pack that was on the floor next to my chair.

"I've already procured those." Zetsu said, handing me the documents he had been holding.

"Okay, perfect. We'll need disguises and…." I read the map's defense description.

"And, we're going to need some explosives." I finished, pulling my lock picking kit out of my bag and placing it on the table next to the blueprints.

"Who's got the money?" I asked, glancing at the men in the room. Kakuzu raised his hand, and I felt a blush threaten to creep up my neck. Quelling it, I stood.

"Alright then. Kakuzu and I will be shopping in the civilian market for disguises. Tonight, we're going to find ourselves a map!" I finished enthusiastically, both Kakuzu and I transforming via genjutsu into civilian guises.

----------X----------

"Alright, we're in." I whispered motionlessly into the radio transmitter as Kakuzu and I walked into the casino arm-in-arm. We looked, for all intents and purposes, like a wealthy couple. I fingered the fringe of my scarlet obi, smiling wistfully. I had almost decided to henge my outfit, but then discovered this beautiful black and scarlet kimono. All I had to do to disguise myself in this number was fix my hair and wear color contacts. I required absolutely no genjutsu to complete my ritzy look.

Kakuzu, however, had more issues with finding his disguise than I did.

He was wearing a fairly sharp black tux, complete with a bow that matched the red on my kimono's designs. He also wore nicely polished shoes. But his physical appearance happened to be a sore spot when he reluctantly confided that he didn't know what kind of henge to use.

I suppose saying, "Be yourself" cryptically and wandering into my single hotel room helped his mood much either. He took my suggestion literally and henge-ed into his original self of his youth, which was rather handsome.

He still had his unnerving neon-green eyes, but they had pupils and whites, like normal eyes. His skin was still tanned, but had lost its 'I'm comprised of dead people's skin grafts' mottling color. Along with his semi-shaggy brown hair, he cut a very handsome figure. Although I'm sure he was uncomfortable in his henge, I wasn't going to say anything about it.

Scanning the area, I spotted the ballroom's entrance.

"This is one weird casino, having a ballroom. You know?" I asked Kakuzu, making it sound like a polite conversation one would have on an awkward date. He merely nodded silently in reply. We continued on into the ballroom, still arm-in-arm.

Somehow, we snuck into the guarded room that contained our map's safe. I called the all clear to the other three as I sent Kakuzu to guard the entrance to the room.

"Time to get to work!" I mumbled enthusiastically, pulling apart and rewiring the control panels for the surveillance equipment. I set the cameras on a loop, and disabled the motion sensors before rigging the explosives.

"Don't say a word." A kunai was placed on my throat as a young man whispered into my ear. I assumed that Kakuzu wasn't dead, simply unaware of the intruder.

"Keep working, finish it up." Mr. Sharp Objects ordered, and I complied. At the last second, however, I gave him quite a surprise. Grabbing the kunai by the blade, I yanked it out of his hands (despite the fact that I sliced my hand open in the process). The boy yelped in surprise, alerting my lookout. Kakuzu rushed in just as my nemesis and I assumed fighting positions.

That's when I realized that my bomb was almost out of time.

"Holy-" Kakuzu dove at me, shielding me from all oncoming debris and flames. We skidded to the floor, and he landed with his torso on top o mine, his legs off to the side.

I couldn't move. Kakuzu propped himself up with his arms a little, and even with my eyes closed, I could feel his eyes inspecting my face. I slowly opened my eyes, (one of which lost its blue contact lens) and looked up into his piercing gaze. Our eyes glued together, and we were in another world, one where nothing else but the two of us existed.

Until, of course, Hidan chucked a broken table-leg at us.

"Get a room!" He muttered, his left foot pinning the young man to the ground by the chest. Stepping over the man with his foot still on his chest, Hidan progressed onward to the flaming safe, reaching in and retrieving the fire-retardant map tube. As Hidan's full weight rested on the young man's chest, I heard the air 'whoosh' out of his lungs and winced.

"Uh, sorry." Kakuzu said lamely as he stood and turned away, joining his partner across the room. I sat up, laying a hand to my forehead, feeling the heat I was radiating due to my tomato-esque blush. I hauled myself up with a sigh. Could this mission get any more awkward? I looked up at Kakuzu, who was talking to Hidan as he stuffed the tube in his pack.

"Tobi thinks we should get out of here before the guards wake up!" Tobi stated, hoisting me up by the uninjured forearm.

"Tobi thinks Satsu-chan burnt her pretty kimono, too." He added, pointing to my now soot-stained sleeve. I grimaced. I could clean it when I went to Granny's place later.

"Alright, mission accomplished." Kakuzu told Zetsu, who had just entered. As he passed me to inspect the surveillance panel I had hijacked, as well as our intruder, he stopped.

"You're injured, Satsu. **You smell wonderful!"** Zetsu commented, looking at my scorched and sliced-up hands. Thankfully, he reminded me of a very important issue: the blocks I had left on the security camera tapes. I looked down at my hands, knowing that they wouldn't be able to do the job. A thought occurred, and I looked over at the young man, sitting up and staring at my team with wide, frightened eyes.

"You, what's your name?" I asked, approaching his sitting figure slowly, wiping my bloody hands on a shirt I pulled out of my pack. He looked up and opened his mouth to answer.

"Arisugawa Kei." He answered, standing up and towering over my petite form.

"Kei-kun, I need you to help me out a bit, do you mind?" I asked sweetly, tilting my head towards the panel box. He scowled.

"Why would I remove the tape? It'll just get you guys caught." He informed me, crossing his arms in indignation. I smirked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, aren't you just the petulant little boy? The tapes have your face on the too, I thought I should mention." I laughed, walking over to the panel, knowing that he was going to follow. I heard the clunking steps that followed me, and my smirk increased.

"Alright, you just-" I began, but was interrupted as he handed me the tape from the time of our heist. I raised an eyebrow at him and smiled as I slipped the tape into my kimono's obi. Then, I pulled out two lollipops.

"How old are you, Kei-kun?" I asked, popping a candy in my mouth. He looked at me quizzically before answering, and when he did, I was easily the happiest woman alive.

"Fourteen and a half, chuunin level shinobi. My birthday is in March," He answered, and my mind swirled with ideas. I unwrapped my other lolly, popping it into his mouth as he opened it to ask me why I needed to know.

"Oh, no reason really. Enjoy the lollipop, and I'll be seeing you around, say, the beginning of April?" I told him, punching him in the face (which happened to be really cute!) and lowering him down to the ground for a trauma-induced nap.

"What the hell'd you do to him?" Hidan asked, coming up beside me. I shrugged.

"Oh, nothing. I just punched his lights out. No harm done!" I answered. I didn't even get annoyed when Hidan asked why I was so weird (inserting a few words from his colorful vocabulary, of course.) and reveled in my impending success.

"What's with the lollipop?" Kakuzu asked he walked up behind us.

"All of my lollipops have pieces of my chakra in them so I can track whoever eats them." I answered walking out the door.

I had just found my future apprentice, and a damn adorable one at that!

---------X----------

"So, I know I didn't really get to say goodbye or thank you last time, but… Could I bunk here with you for a month? I'll pay rent!" I begged at Granny's feet, putting on the full works.

"500 ryo a month, and you're in. I'll not be cleaning up any messes though!" Granny deadpanned, patting my head in mock annoyance. I could have kissed her, I was so happy!

Later that night during supper, I explained who I really was (minus the immortal part) and the trouble I was in. She dismissed it with a flick of her arthritic hand, mumbling something about kicking bad guy butt if they messed with her house or anyone in it.

Then, I told her about the strange feelings I had been having, all the excess blushing, the butterflies, Kakuzu's argument with Leader-Sama over my position as a subordinate, the more blushing, and our weird eye-lock thing from our mission a week ago. Sighing, I lifted my head off the table and looked at her expectantly.

She had the most annoyingly cryptic and patronizing smile on her face, I almost couldn't stand the suspense!

"Satsu-chan, I think you have…." She stopped, almost as if to consider how to word the next part. I scowled at her, impatient.

"A crush, and a bad one at that! You're in this one deep, really deep." She finished, my jaw hitting the floor in surprise. All that pause to think up the delivery, and she just threw it out like a bag of garbage or a hobo who didn't pay their rent!

"A crush!?!" I shouted in unbelief, picking my jaw back up. I stood, ready to storm off to the room I was renting at the other end of the house, but Granny stopped me with a raised hand.

"You told me all the basic signs of a crush: embarrassment, nervousness, unexplainable fascination with each other's eyes; that right there is your garden variety crush. Not to mention, from what you told me about his reactions, he's head over heels with you too!" Granny rationalized as only a love-experienced woman could, laughing hysterically at the immaturity of it all. I sat back down, stunned.

"Here honey, drink some of this. It'll help." She said, pushing some more of her patented 'Relaxed and Comforted' blend tea into my shaking (and heavily bandaged) hands. I drank, emptying my mind. After a little more useless chit-chat, I decided to turn in and mull over Granny's words.

But, I was stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a picture of me, without my henge, hanging on her dining room wall by the hallway door. It was a picture of the Suna reconnaissance division I once founded and lead, including three men and two women besides myself. Hiro, Touga, Tori, Keiko, and Setsuna, all lined up behind me (because I was far shorter than them.) The picture had been taken after our first major mission as a team.

"This is…" I started, still staring at our goofy faces and bunny ears from nearly fifty years ago.

"You, me, Keiko, and the guys. Or, rather, the mutated hairless monkeys." Granny finished for me, pointing at my face, and resting her finger on the body of Setsuna. I laughed softly at the use of our pet name, given affectionately to the men of our group.

"It's been a long, long time since the division disbanded, hasn't it?" I whispered, pulling my old teammate into an overdue hug.

"Thanks for letting me room here, Setsuna-chan." I smiled, releasing her and touching the picture's glass lightly.

"Anytime, Satsu-senpai." She replied, turning back into the dining room.

"So, how long have you known?" I asked, following her to clean up after our meal. Setsuna laughed good-naturedly.

"Since I saw your henge falter as you slept that first night a few weeks ago." She answered, handing me the teapot to set on the food tray.

"And, how long have you been a medic nin?" I asked, lifting the tray and walking with her to the kitchen so we could wash the dishes.

"Thirty-two years now, and I'm damn well one of the best and longest running field medics Suna's ever seen." She replied, an immodest smile playing on her lips. I laughed with her, and for the rest of the evening, my love troubles were pushed aside as my best friend and I recounted decades of separation until the sun was peaking over the horizon.

I grinned as I lay down at sunrise, feeling a bittersweet satisfaction at my reunion with my best friend. The feeling was hampered, however, when I looked at her arthritic hands, and saw the wrinkles dominating her face.

----------X----------

_(Is munching on candy canes) Just for fun, my dad works at a nuclear power plant (like Homer from the Simpsons) and the title for this chapter is what his group was called as they raided the office blocks for space heaters to keep the control room from shutting down. Their boss sent an email out to warn the office crew, I read it when he came home and laughed my butt off._

_The name fits them well. _

_Although, can we call the 'Nefarious' when they prevented a nuclear explosion from destroying the American Midwest?_

_-Gin_


	8. Channeling Princesses

_A/N: Alrighty folks, I am nearing the end of this story! Sad to say, but there are only one or two more chapters of this, and I'll be topping 'The Game' off at nine or ten chapters. I'll miss Satsu, but have no idea how to try and add more to my very well-thought-out plotline. I don't think I'll add anything to this story, besides what I already have in my writing notebook._

_What kills me about this chapter is how much I had to skip around scene-wise! My ideas followed a very staccato rhythm, and I decided to go with it this time around. And for the PM regarding Deidara's 'Yeah vs. Un' I prefer Yeah, and didn't feel like mixing them both into the story._

_Please take the poll on my profile; it'll help me figure out what I'm going to write next! I think I have a few good ideas up there…_

_Here's some more Kakuzu for ya!_

**Chapter Eight: Channeling Princesses**

----------X----------

Something rustled.

I sat up, searching the darkness around my futon for intruders. My unsteady hand was silently grabbing my kunai as I ascertained that there was no visible intruder. I closed my bleary eyes and listened; only hearing Setsuna's level breathing in the next room. I was glad she was safe. Standing up as stealthily as possible, I slid open my screen door and headed towards my friend's room.

"Stop it!" I heard a mumbled exclamation from the dining room. Looking down the hall, I saw a dim light coming from behind the dining room screen, like a flashlight or candle. Adjusting my kunai, I crept towards the door, listening. There was a rustle, and suddenly the door opened. I hid against the wall, next to a line of coat hanger pegs filled with sweaters and jackets.

"No one here." I heard a man's voice whisper as he returned to the dining room, leaving the door open. Stealing forward, I snuck into the room behind him. I put a kunai to his throat, pressing just a little, enough to draw blood on a super-sharpened blade. I got a little hair in my face, but succeeded in pinning the man with my weapon if he wanted to keep his jugular.

"Wait, no need to be violent, yeah!" The long-haired male said slowly, and I released him while dodging a flurry of kunai from the other.

"Deidara! Sasori! What are you guys doing here?" I asked as I ducked behind the blonde to avoid any more hostile-ness from the puppet master. Sasori just grunted and sat at the table as the light switch was flipped behind me. Setsuna eyed the kunai embedded in the doorframe, shrugged, and moved into the kitchen to make some tea.

"We came by to pick you up, since your vacation is over, yeah." Deidara answered as he gave me a half-hug, draping one arm around my shoulders. I shrugged him off. I hate it when guys think I'm an armrest because I'm short!

"Pick me up? Am I in danger or something?" I continued to volley questions at them, sitting down at the table with Sasori. Deidara followed suit, and soon all four sides of the modest square table were filled as Setsuna came back with a pot and four cups.

"That would be one way of putting it." Sasori drawled as he declined the tea. Deidara nodded to Setsuna politely and was poured a cup.

"Has Sasori-Danna always been so vague, yeah?" Deidara queried, laughing a little. Setsuna wore a sardonic smirk as she glanced at the puppet master.

"As a matter of fact, he has been vague his entire life." Setsuna answered as she passed me a cup of tea. Sasori turned to look at the old woman who dared say something that insinuated she was an acquaintance of his.

"Motomoto Setsuna, former Suna medic, and academy stand-in teacher for electives." She introduced, and Deidara smiled politely as he sipped some of her amazing herbal blend tea. Chuckling, I turned and looked at Sasori's scowl and reveled in Setsuna's showing the know-it-all up this once. Serves the ungrateful student and hopefully teaches some manners, I think!

"Ah." He acknowledged, and that was all Sasori said as he remembered, and he stared hard at me, seeming to space out. I shrugged him off, retuning to my questions.

"Enlighten me, why am I in "Danger?" I asked, air-quoting and receiving a baleful glare from Sasori. He must have been under the impression that I was mocking him. I might have been, I couldn't tell you.

"It's _him, _yeah. He's looking for you. Kakuzu has been a psycho since your last joint mission, yeah." I raised an eyebrow at him, grimacing. I wondered what that was supposed to mean. I didn't want to look worried, though, so I lightened up the suddenly serious atmosphere by adding a sarcastic comment. (You can't fail with sarcasm!)

"When _isn't_ Kakuzu psycho?" I asked, leaning back a little and crossing my arms.

"True, yeah. But, he's going to try and drag you to the Sound and get Orochimaru's ring without Leader-Sama's permission! That's suicide, yeah!" I nodded in agreement, downing the rest of my tea like I would have alcohol at this point. How was I supposed to handle an s-ranked stalker?

"Alright, we'll get outta here in the morning. Setsuna-chan, I'll cover their room and board for the night. How much is that going to be?" I asked, pulling out my money pouch. Deidara looked at me incredulously, like he couldn't believe I slept with my money.

"What? It's safer if I keep it close!" I defended, and Deidara gave me an indifferent shrug.

"525 ryo sounds acceptable…" Setsuna said, smiling. I gave her a grateful look as I handed the relatively small amount of money to her.

"You two are sleeping in the hallway, though." Setsuna added as she went back to bed, leaving a suitably steamed Deidara and unconcerned Sasori behind with me in the dining room.

"Alright, thanks Satsu-senpai. I guess the hall isn't _that_ bad, yeah."

----------X----------

"Hey, Setsuna-chan. Before I leave, I have one question: When I saw that picture, did you put it up after I left the first time, or was it always there and I just didn't notice it?" I asked my friend as we broke our embrace. I was going to miss her a lot, having grown close to her once again during my month-long vacation at her house.

"Oh, that's for me to know, and you to be in the dark." Setsuna replied cryptically, and I wondered why she suddenly developed a sadistic side. She smiled, handing me a pouch.

"Open it when you're gone. It's a present." Setsuna said as I started to walk into the woods with Deidara and Sasori. We jumped into the trees, heading for the current Akatsuki base at a speed only ninja can accomplish.

----------X----------

"Wow, this really is a nice present!" I exclaimed lamely, not coming up with a better way to voice my surprise and appreciation. I thought I saw Deidara roll his eyes, and heard a noncommittal grunt from the other side of our campfire, courtesy of Sasori.

Opening my present, I had spilled all 525 ryo for my rent, as well as a tin of tea leaves, and a copy of the picture off the wall with a mustache penned onto my face. I had to admit, no matter how old Setsuna became, her sense of humor was far from decaying. Not that mine was dead…. Just a little bitter and faded with antiquity.

"Wow, just wow, yeah." Deidara said as he slid into his sleeping bag a few feet away. Sasori was watching all night (I guess he doesn't need to sleep?) and I decided to go for a little walk in the woods, not too far away. I told Sasori not to kill me on accident, which amused Deidara, and headed off.

The woods were dark and beautifully overflowing with nighttime wildlife. Crickets chirped merrily, cicadas sang, and assorted mammals sifted through the undergrowth. The moon was strained through the tall trees, and beautiful nighttime flowers let off a pungent perfume. I decided to just sit, and leaned against a large, smooth-barked tree.

Before I knew it, I was almost asleep when a particularly loud rustle startled me. I sat up and went to ask for Sasori, when a hand clamped around my mouth. I looked at the gloved hand that reached around my waist as a brawny arm lifted me up. Whoever was holding me picked me up like a rag doll.

I felt an all too familiar syringe shoot a tranquilizing drug into my thigh, and I was out like a light bulb.

----------X---------

"Ugh…" I moaned as I woke to the sensation of movement. I opened my eyes and closed them again, feeling needles of pain when I saw the light. I slowly opened them a little at a time, adjusting to the sunny day. I looked forward, which happened to be down, as I was once again thrown over somebody's shoulder as they ran through the trees. I recognized the Akatsuki cloak, and knew (figuratively) where I was.

"Kakuzu-san put me the hell down!" I groaned grumpily, and Kakuzu slowed to a halt in a clearing a few meters later. I suppose pounding on his back with my wimpy, sleep-lamed arms got him to stop. I was unceremoniously dropped onto a rather soft grassy forest floor.

"You're down. Now come on." Kakuzu ordered, readying to head back onto whatever path he was taking. I tried to stand up, and did with a lot of difficulty. He had really knocked me out with that crap! I made a mental note to find out what it was and repay the favor.

"Uh, I don't think I'm going anywhere for a little while." Kakuzu went to grab me like a little kid and assumedly carry me, but I was having none of that crap.

"And I'm sure as hell not letting you drag me around!" I exclaimed, slapping his hands away, albeit weakly. I looked Kakuzu in the eyes and stared at him defiantly. He sighed, and went to go sit on a log near the edge of the clearing. I plopped down, staring at him as he sat facing away from me.

My head tilted to the side as a blush crept up the back of my neck, which I forced down. He was a very… uhm… was handsome the word I wanted to use? Probably not, but he cut a very nice figure once you looked past his grumpiness and obvious odd-ball looks. I mean come on, stitches and red corneas? You don't see stuff like that very often. So why was I fascinated by him? It made no sense.

What was I going to do? It was obvious that he was dragging me to the Sound village, in hopes of finding me a ring. I weighed my options.

Option A: Go along with his "Steal a Sannin's ring" plan, if that really was his plan.

Option B: Try and talk him out of it.

I chose option B, and sighed. I didn't have what it takes to be a full-fledged Akatsuki member, and I was far from s-ranked in strength. I was, after all, just bordering the A-rank at the bottom of the danger list.

"Kakuzu-san, why am I here?" I asked, crossing my arms. He shifted on the log, turning to face my little spot on the grass. His stare was hard to read, especially because of that stupid mask. A fleeting thought passed, wondering what he looked like beneath it.

"We are going to retrieve Orochimaru's ring." He answered bluntly, and I said a mental 'no duh.'

"Why, Kakuzu-san?" I asked, the few words seeming to pierce something deep in Kakuzu's mind. His eyebrows knitted together, as if weighing his own set of choices.

"Kakuzu, just Kakuzu." He mumbled as he thought, and I had a feeling that he didn't mean to say it out loud. I looked at him quizzically, and it seemed that my face had snapped him to a conclusion.

"Because you shouldn't be a subordinate." He answered, the statement seeming heavy, as if bogged down by an unidentifiable emotion. I watched him turn his eyes to the ground, as if he didn't want me to see him. I smiled softly as I stood. I walked over to him quietly, stopping to stand in front of him.

"Kakuzu, you know I can't come with you." I said, putting my hand on his broad shoulder. He didn't look up, or even seem to react.

"I'll do whatever I can to become your subordinate, if you'll tell me why. Please." I said, watching him carefully. Surprise overwhelmed me as Kakuzu reached around me and pulled me to him in a warm embrace. His head rested on my shoulder, and I froze.

What was I supposed to do? The hug (I didn't want to call it a hug) was far from dangerous, I realized as he held me gently. My throat remembered the last time we had argued, and I surmised that fighting against him could cause some anger.

Again, what should I do? I stood stock still for a few moments, before I decided to go with it for once. I wrapped my arms as best I could around him, and allowed him to rest his head on my shoulder (which couldn't be terribly comfortable for him).

The embrace was almost completely innocent, but the undertone of over-possessiveness belittled the purity. I wondered, why? Was that the only question word I knew that day?

"Is that your answer?" I asked, mumbling into his warm shoulder. The side of my face was pressed into it, forcing me to mumble a little bit when I spoke. Strong arms tightened almost imperceptibly, as if keeping me from any escape.

"Yes." He said, the vibrations of his throat tickling against my shoulder were his throat rested. I smiled, and pulled my head back to look at him. He really was an enigma, and although I knew now what he felt for me, his first impressions flashed intrusively through my mind. And although I still feared that rage he could muster, I wasn't afraid of _him_ anymore.

Maybe, this hug was a truce, an agreement.

"Let's go back to the base, we can walk together. I still don't feel well." I said, sliding my arm from its spot pinned between his arm and his chest. I settled it on his covered neck, and the wonder of what his mask concealed flashed briefly through my mind again.

Kakuzu stood, and we began to walk in what I assumed was the right direction. Not that my schoolgirl giggles (barely concealed) cared how long it took to get back.

After all, I had just scored a guy to be my own 'Beast' as a pseudo boyfriend. Who wouldn't be a giggler? Not that I was a beauty, but… no one can tell me to stop imagining, can they? I smirked, pretending to be a beautiful princess, walking through mystical woodlands with her cursed prince.

And eventually, the Beauty and the Beast made it back to the base.

----------X---------

_Remember, go check out my poll!_

_-Gin_


	9. Karma's a Bitch

_A/N: holycrapthisstoryispopular! I can't believe it! (Faints) Okay, this is the second to last chapter, as I said last time. Don't make me elaborate, I'll start crying. After all, my baby is all grown up now…_

_I've never done a full-blown action/battle scene before, so tell me how I did. Tips and pointers are greatly appreciated!_

_On a side note, PLEASE READ MY OTHER FANFICTIONS! I have other stories you know! I've got quite a few going, so it shouldn't be that hard to find something to look at, ne? I have a few funnies, a few serious ones…. Etc. Check 'em out will ya? Oh, and to clarify things, THERE WILL BE NO SEQUEL, SO DON'T ASK! (Eyes flaming like Gai-sensei)_

_Last but not least, if you want a good song to listen to while reading this chapter, try 'Poker Face' by Lady Gaga. It is almost like a theme song for Satsu! _

**Chapter Nine: Karma's a Bitch**

A large hand grabbed the top of my head, spinning me around to face an irate bunch of criminals. Deidara and Kisame in particular were the angry ones, with Sasori and Itachi playing it cool and aloof at a card table with some tea. Kisame's hand remained on my head as he glared down a retreating Kakuzu, following him with beady eyes until he was well on his way to Leader's office.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?" Kisame asked, switching his attention back to me. I tried to look away, but the hand on my head didn't let me. I simply shrugged, and Kisame threw his arms up in exasperation. Deidara crossed his arms, studying me critically.

"What did Kakuzu do to you senpai, yeah?" Deidara asked, shifting his weight to his left foot. I shrugged again, not wanting to explain. I mean, how many people want to discuss hugging with male criminals? This girl didn't, that's for sure. Deidara didn't seem to take that answer, though, and he pulled me into a different room.

"What did he do to you, yeah?" He asked again, watching my face carefully. He looked genuinely worried, and I was touched. But I had to clarify that I was unharmed, because it was obvious that Deidara expected Kakuzu to have hurt me somehow. I smiled, hugging Deidara around the middle. He stiffened, as I expected of an average male Nin whose main physical contact involved fists and feet.

"You are so sweet!" I exclaimed as I squeezed him tight. I heard him gasp for breath or mercy (he even said uncle once or twice) a few times before letting him go, just out of sadistic tendencies. He backed up a few steps, not looking happy about hugging.

"Kakuzu and I… we talked and came to an agreement," I told the blonde man, glancing anywhere but at his face. I noticed as he crossed his arms again, silently demanding I explain.

"It is a private agreement, but I'll be fine from now on. I promise," I tried to appease him, wanting to avoid the details. It was a long and embarrassing story, after all. Not to mention, if you were as old as I am, would you want to explain yourself to a twenty-something year old? I doubt it.

"Satsu-senpai, I'll believe you this time, yeah," Deidara muttered as he walked out of the room, intending for me to follow him to the others. I could tell he was mad at me, but couldn't think of a way to apologize. I figured with much trepidation that he would forgive me my silence eventually.

Soon I was ushered off to the subordinate wing to shower up and take a nap, and was informed I had a meeting with Leader the next morning via sticky note. A bright pink sticky note, at that.

_"Satsu-chan, leader told Tobi you need to meet Leader tomorrow, it's important!" _I read aloud, peeling it off my bathroom door. I was a little freaked that Tobi had come in my room, and surreptitiously locked my door.

"Well, I'll do that then!" I told the note, feeling like a sleepy lunatic as I went through my evening routine and fell asleep.

----------X----------

"Do you insist on messing up everything in your path, Shakkin-san?" Leader demanded, and I shrugged as I leaned against the back wall of his office, arms crossed. What an a-typical bad ass pose.

"What do you want from me?" Leader grumbled a little, slamming something on his desk to punctuate his point further. I simply laughed, carelessly shrugging forward and leaving the wall to confidently pace Leader's office. I heard an annoyed growl and stopped short as a shuriken flew past my nose.

"You do realize that the phrase 'on pain of death' doesn't exist in my reality, don't you Leader-Sama?" I asked, grabbing the embedded weapon and tossing it harmlessly onto the desk in front of him. Although I couldn't see his face, I could tell he was furious by the waves of killing intent echoing through the room.

"You know, you wouldn't have this problem if you never forcibly employed me…" I teased, waving a thoughtful finger in the air as I paused in my pacing.

"I'm not firing you," Leader growled. I laughed again, muttering an 'oh, bummer' and started up my pacing anew.

"Satsu, what do I have to do to get you to stay out of my hair short of firing you?" Leader asked exasperatedly, and I paused to think coyly.

"Well…. Maybe….." I wondered, goading Leader. He was not going to hold his patience much longer. I walked over to his desk, putting both hands on it and lowering my eyes to his level.

"Transfer me to Hidan and Kakuzu's team and you won't get a lick of trouble from us anymore," I said seriously, and Leader was silent for a few moments.

"We have a deal," Leader said, and I smiled and walked towards the door. Before I could open it, however, Leader spoke.

"Relationships are discouraged in our organization," he added, and I shrugged and left. I couldn't really call what Kakuzu and I had, if we had anything at all, a full-blown relationship anyway.

----------X----------

I closed my eyes, listening with my ear pressed against Kakuzu's door. I heard nothing and grabbed the doorknob stealthily. Turning it, I glanced through a crack at a darkened and decidedly empty interior. I slid in, locking the door behind me. For what I knew, Kakuzu was training with Hidan again, and would be gone for another hour. That was way more than enough time for my spontaneous mission.

I lit the room with the weak beam of my flashlight, searching the surfaces and furniture in the room for something specific. His table held a glass of some juice, and a newspaper. How boring. I swung my light to his bedside table, walking over to it.

The top surface was covered in an oily substance, some kind of wood furniture polish. Why would he need to clean the top of his table? I knelt down to open and inspect the drawers, careful not to move anything noticeably. If he noticed, would retrieving my prize be worth it? No, because my plan would fail.

"Now this is interesting," I whispered, finding some greenish discolorations on the wood around the handle to the top drawer. I reached forward, my gloved hand pulling it open. My face spread into a wicked smirk as I glanced at the contents.

Right on top, laying half covered in a piece of burlap, was my quarry. I gently picked up a syringe, lifting it to my eyes and tapping the barrel filled with a yellow-green liquid. On the label, it read 'Valerian Root.'

"Bingo," I swiped two more and closed the drawer quietly.

----------X----------

"Are you sure?" Kakuzu asked, lowering into a fighting stance. I nodded, trying to not look like a guilty woman. I smiled confidently, assuming my usual loose guard stance.

"If I'm ever going to get past A-rank, I'll have to train, right?" I replied with a question, my tone light and hopeful. Zetsu, Itachi, Konan and Sasori looked like they were trying to ignore our buddy-buddy antics, studiously training before their new missions tomorrow.

Hidan, Deidara, Tobi and Kisame, however, pulled up a spot on the wall and some snacks as if Kakuzu and I were going to duke it out in an epic battle. I felt a swell of apprehension when I realized that all four spectators were on my side of the battle, rooting for me. I didn't want to disappoint them. Fierce determination fired up my veins.

"I'm ready," said, hardening my stance. I shot forward, bending low to the ground, throwing a swiping roundhouse kick towards Kakuzu's knees. He jumped my leg like a jump rope, swinging his arm to clothesline me. His forearm caught my throat, knocking me backwards. I saved my butt by rolling backwards into a crouch.

"Is it just me, or did our audience grow?" I asked, laughing as I stood to assume a different stance. We both glanced over to the wall, where Sasori and Itachi had joined the other four. Kakuzu laughed quietly, renewing his defensive stance and preparing to counter my next attack.

"Our audience? How about _my_ audience?" Kakuzu asked, and I could tell he was smirking behind that mask. I scowled, grabbing a few kunai with invisible metal wires tied to the ends. I launched them, running in a large circle around my target. I disguised each careful placement of my wires as a serious attack with a kunai. Soon, I was left with just one kunai, panting lightly as I stood in front of Kakuzu once again.

"You missed bitch! What were you trying to hit with those fucked up shots?" Hidan yelled from the sidelines, and I laughed as I watched Itachi glare at him through the corner of my eye. I had guessed Itachi could see the wires with his sharingan anyway, and had saved this technique for my grumpy superior.

"Whoops, my bad," I said as I rushed forward again, careful not to trip on or reveal my wires. I aimed a fist for Kakuzu's chest. He caught it, and I directed my momentum to swing behind him and onto his back. I wrapped my legs as tightly as I could around his neck, pounding on the top of his head.

"Satsu-chan is using a really girly move! Tobi think it looks funny," Tobi laughed, slapping his knee. I scowled as I continued trying to wrench my hand free while battering Kakuzu's head. After a few more moments of battling with Kakuzu's head, he let out a frustrated roar.

"SHIT!" I screamed as Kakuzu threw himself to the ground in an attempt to crush me. At the last second, his grip loosened so he could brace himself, and I pushed off his shoulders with my feet to gain some distance. I rolled sideways, sliding under my circle of wires and out of reach.

"Get the fuck back here!" Kakuzu roared, his mask gone. I waved it in the air like a banner. At this point, Kakuzu took a few seconds to massage his head, trying to ease the lumps forming. I glanced over towards the crowd, and grinned when I saw everyone else sitting along the wall. I even saw Leader standing, arms crossed and frowning darkly, in the doorway to the training grounds.

"Time to finish this," I whispered fiercely, setting my hands into a long sequence of hand seals. I whispered the name of the jutsu under my breath, and grabbed the ends of the wires tied to my belt loop. I closed my eyes, channeling chakra into the wires.

"What the hell?" Kakuzu growled as an octagonal genjutsu surrounded him, mimicking mirrors to reflect his appearance. My laugh echoed through my genjutsu chamber, and Kakuzu looked frantically around him to find me. After a few seconds, he seemed to regain some common sense and attempt a cancellation.

"Kai," Kakuzu shouted, his eyes closed. When he opened them, however, he looked dumbstruck. The genjutsu held, swirling like a funhouse full of motorized walls. Except this time, my image danced in circles with his reflections.

"Can't touch this! Nah, nah nah nah, nah ,nah…" I sang, laughing as he tried to catch me with his reflections. I twirled like a ballerina on crack, skipping and ducking from my spot outside the genjutsu chamber. My projected image did the same.

Itachi raised an eyebrow, Zetsu cracked a smirk, and most of the other spectators roared with laughter as Kakuzu goose-chased my image. After a few minutes of him flailing about or attempting to break my genjutsu, I decided I was bored of my game. I solidified my stance, casting a final seal.

"Let's end this!" I whispered teleporting behind Kakuzu, who thought I was somewhere else due to my genjutsu. I retrieved a syringe, stabbing him in the arm and injecting the Valerian root into his system. Kakuzu swatted at his arm as if a mosquito bit him, catching a glimpse of me out of the corner of his eye.

"Gotcha bitch!" I shouted as Kakuzu drifted into a drug-induced sleep. I released my genjutsu as well, dropping to my knees in exhaustion. My face was split by a gleeful smile, and my body shook from the urge to dance like a lunatic again.

Deidara seized me around the shoulders, lifting me and spinning me around a few times. He set me on my feet, and I wobbled a little before regaining my balance. I noticed Itachi approaching, and saw that his eyebrow was still raised.

"How'd Satsu-chan come up with an illusion that cancellation didn't work on, Tobi wonders?" Tobi asked, scratching the back of his head with his other hand on his hip. I waved a finger at him, shaking my head.

"Nuh-uh. I'm not telling until sleeping beauty over there," I gestured a thumb over my shoulder, "wakes back up!"

----------X----------

"I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be; A little gamblin' is fun when you're with me," I murmured a song as I played blackjack with Deidara and Tobi. All of us were in the commons, reading, talking or playing games until Kakuzu woke up.

"I hate you," Kakuzu mumbled as he sat up, groaning with a hand covering his eyes. I didn't doubt he felt like he had a massive hangover, complete with groggy limbs and stiff neck. I smirked, setting my cards face down on the table to pause our game.

"Are you awake yet?" I said loudly, holding back a laugh as Kakuzu moaned.

"Shut up," He growled, sitting up in his chair.

"Karma's a bitch, huh? Maybe, _just maybe,_ you'll reconsider knocking me out with that damned drug!" I nagged, getting louder until the end of the statement, until I was practically shouting. Kakuzu launched a couch pillow at me, and I dissolved into laughter. Tobi looked at me expectantly, along with the rest of the gang. I waved a hand, quieting my giggles.

"Alright, I'll explain my genjutsu," I announced. "Basically, instead of casting an illusion on a human target, I surrounded Kakuzu with chakra-conducting wires. I projected my illusion through my end of the wires, making it surround him like a circular movie screen," I explained. Deidara looked puzzled still, and Kisame slapped me on the back in some form of congratulation.

"Wait, yeah. That still doesn't explain why kai didn't dispel your jutsu, yeah," Deidara said. I nodded, and went to continue.

"Since the genjutsu didn't disrupt Kakuzu's chakra, trying to correct the distortion didn't work because there _was_ no distortion!" I finished like a maniac, throwing my fists in the air. Itachi 'hn-ed' in understanding, but Deidara still wasn't satisfied.

"But, how would you dispel a genjutsu like yours then, yeah?" he asked further, and I smiled. Maybe Deidara was brighter than I originally thought.

"Easy! You just grab a wire and use kai!" I said, making it sound like the simplest thing in the world. Kakuzu slapped his forehead in annoyance, only to groan as he set his migraine off again.


	10. Randomly EverAfter

_A/N: Well, here we are. It's been a fun ride with you! I regret that it took me x amount of years to get the gumption to finish the LAST chapter….._

_-Gin _

**Chapter Ten: FINAL: Root of all Evil **

-X-

"Kakuzu, why don't you want to train?" I asked, sitting in my new favorite chair, upside down as usual. Deidara and Kisame, my new clique, sat next to an uncomfortable-looking money stasher. I stifled a giggle at his awkward disposition, knowing that he had problems with the two men beside him. After all, because of me, Deidara and Kisame thought he was a bastard. And he had truly been a bastard, at least for the last few months.

It wasn't my fault the greedy guy decided to make me his subordinate through any means he deemed necessary! Being the dumb blonde prototype, I helped him achieve his goal. Why, though, did he ignore me now that I was his subordinate? He confused me, and being the stubborn jackass I could be, wanted to put an end to the mystery.

"I'm sorry again, if that's what it takes!" I flailed, giving him a sad face. I bet that my frown came off as more of a smile due to my upside-down position, and wanted to blame his lack of a reaction on that.

"Satsu-senpai, I'll help you train if you'll edit my page in the Bingo Book, yeah," Deidara offered, smiling a crooked smile. I grimaced. That _always_ had to come up whenever I became friends with someone.

"Yeah, could you put something like 'Is terrified of bunnies' in mine? I'd love to see their reaction to that!" Kisame laughed, and so did the rest of us. I'm pretty sure that an ANBU whipping out a bunny and getting slaughtered is what all four of us pictured. After some laughing, I shook my head.

"I can't guys. I can only put true things in the Bingo Book. I _can_ leave out information I find irrelevant though," I said sadly. Honestly, the bunny thing was brilliant.

"Why can't you?" Kakuzu asked, finally breaking his silent treatment. I shrugged (which was difficult to do upside down) and sighed.

"The jutsu my teacher put on me won't let me. I'll almost put my pen on the paper, and it feels like the pen is electrocuting me," I said, frowning. I watched as Kisame nodded respectfully.

"That… makes sense, yeah. I guess that makes you an honest source, you know?" Deidara added, waving a hand. I grinned; I was glad he understood why I couldn't do anything too crazy in the Bingo Book.

After a little whittling down, Kakuzu agreed to train with me, but not to spar. I guessed asking that much so soon was a moot point, seeing as it was only a few months after his humiliating defeat in front of everyone that mattered in the world.

-X-

"For the last time Kakuzu-kun, I'm not going to teach you that jutsu!" I growled in frustration as he held my favorite kind of lollipop just higher than I could reach. Deidara was laughing hysterically as I lunged after my candy, only to be thwarted by Kakuzu's height advantage.

"Oh, come on," I grumbled, crossing my arms and marching away from the group of laughing shinobi. Why didn't they respect me? I could kick all their asses if I set my mind to it, and they still blew me off. I thought of ways I could pay them back. A grin stretched its way onto my face, impish and evil if charming.

"Kakuzu-kuuuuuuunnnnn," I called in a sing-song, sugary-sweet falsetto voice. The man in question stiffened in the shoulders, turning towards me. I continued to walk until he was facing me completely, and then sprinted into his arms. Kakuzu caught me, completely bewildered, and I pulled his mask down, planting a kiss on his lips. Both I and my lollipop were unceremoniously dropped by the choking and bright red miser.

Catcalls and wolf whistles echoed down the hall as I pixie-skipped to my quarters, strawberry banana lolly unwrapped and planted firmly in my grinning mouth. My heart pounded faster than it had in years, adrenaline rushing through my every nerve.

"What is wrong with you?" an incredulous whisper echoed behind me in the hallway outside my room. I turned, a hand on my heart to slow it down. Kakuzu stood a few feet behind me, arms crossed. Mimicking him impishly, I leaned on one leg with my arms crossed in what an old contact of mine called the Femme-Nazi pose.

"I could ask the same question," I retorted, standing my ground. An eyebrow rose, and he stood silent for a moment.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he finally queried, growing angry. I groaned. Was there no man in the world with mind reading powers?

"It is supposed to mean 'What the hell am I still here for?' Kakuzu," I growled, adjusting my footing. I was sick and tired of loitering in a musty hideout instead of hitting my usual towns, bars and casinos. I hated the permeating boredom that seemed to crawl under the doors like a fog. And most of all, I hated being ignored by the person who got me in this mess, Kakuzu.

I was confused. How did he going from hating me, to liking me, to pretending I didn't exist? Was it all some twisted game of his? Did he seriously not know what I was feeling? A relationship consisted of more than stolen hugs and kisses. What did we have then?

"Why am I here, Kakuzu?" I asked, dropping my arms to my sides and approaching him. He stiffened as I stood before him, staring into his green eyes. Emotion flickered, concealed behind his neon irises. He felt something; I knew it, but what?

"You could have easily gone to a brothel, if that was what you needed, but you haven't. And if it was a new partner you wanted, you haven't found a creative way to dispose of Hidan, so that isn't it either," I rationalized, ticking those options off with my fingers. The hallway was very still, almost suffocating, as an uncomfortable moment of silence hung between us. Like a ship in a frozen harbor, I made little headway with the stonily quiet man.

Sighing, I turned away, heading into my room. A sound escaped Kakuzu's lips, and I stopped for a moment, but he didn't say anything. Too fed up to wait, I pulled open my door.

"I would have helped you with the Hidan thing, you know," I mumbled as I closed and locked the door in his face. Turning, I peeked out the little peephole on my tip-toes. Kakuzu stood a few feet from the door for a few minutes, as if deciding whether or not to do something. Slowly, he turned and walked away. I groaned again, walking over to my bed, flopping down on top of the covers.

_This sucks, _I thought, grabbing some senbon from under my pillow to chuck at my calendar on the ceiling. I kept it there so I knew what I'd need to do every morning as soon as I woke up. Setsuna had told me once that I had obsessive compulsive disorder when it came to scheduling, and I agreed.

A senbon lodged itself in tomorrow's square, and I squinted at the date. It read March 1st. I threw my lollipop stick in the can across the room with perfect aim, hearing a ka-thunk as it hit the metal trashcan.

I had a date with Arisugawa Kei, the cute almost-thief from my first Akatsuki mission! I checked the next few days on my calendar, and saw that I had them off. Swinging off my bed into a crouch, I grabbed my travel bag out and began to pack.

-X-

Dawn came too quickly, and soon I was faced with the daunting task of sneaking out of the headquarters without being caught. Not that I wasn't allowed to leave, I mean c'mon, it was my day off, but answering hard questions would most likely be involved, and after a difficult, tiresome night, I wasn't up to it. Sneaking around would do just fine.

It wasn't too difficult to make it to Leader's office and leave him a note, but once I got outside, I had to hide behind a column for nearly ten minutes as Hidan and Deidara got into a heated art versus religion debate. There was no way in hell I would get involved in that argument! With my luck I would be simultaneously sacrificed and blown up for saying I thought both concepts were boring.

After Hidan and Deidara moved on with their lives and down the hall, I tiptoed all the way to the exit with no disturbances. I decided to skip Setsuna's place, opting for getting to Kei's location somewhere in the northern River Country by nightfall.

Once I got into the rainy forest surrounding the Akatsuki's base outside of the Village Hidden in the Rain, traveling was smooth and the weather was alright, if a little damp. I ran through the trees at high speeds, never running into a soul. Although I didn't mind taking countryside all the way there, I had that feeling that I was being watched. You know the one that the characters in horror movies tend to ignore before they die a brutal and gory death?

I shuddered to quell the chill creeping up my spine. I told myself to think rationally, and started a few evasive maneuvers. Soon enough I was in my happy place, nearly certain whomever was following me (if anyone) was successfully ditched. Nothing like a few dozen miles distance to set you at rights!

And although I was comforted by the absence of eyes on my back, I still felt a little guilty about leaving without saying goodbye to anyone. If only I could ditch my conscience.

-X-

A lone house stood on a hill, silhouetted by a rising moon. The windows glowed a warm, rich gold from the lights inside, giving it a welcoming, cozy look. I jumped and landed lightly next to the chimney, peaking in through a window. Two people sat at the fireside, a male and female. Both were facing away, but I could tell they were awake. A low murmur of conversation leaked through the window.

I stalked to the other side of the house, ducking below the windows to avoid being seen. One of the occupants of the house was most assuredly Arisugawa Kei, his messy blond hair being a dead giveaway and unmistakable. The other person surprised me though. The voice I heard through the window was definitely female; his mother perhaps? No matter, I'd just have to catch him alone.

I left for my lodging, my surveillance equipment set up and ready for a night-long stakeout.

-X-

My eyes shot open to reveal nothing but a plywood desk with some drool and a peaceful screen showing the Arisugawa residence. I must have fallen asleep for a few minutes. What had caused me to wake though? I closed my eyes again, searching for chakra signatures or noises. I could sense nothing by way of chakra, but that didn't mean nothing was there. After all, most jounin knew how to mask it pretty well.

The clock on the wall revealed I had been asleep no more than half an hour. I glanced around the room and nothing seemed out of place. Just the usual futon, telephone, and pastel walls.

I rewound the surveillance tapes, scanning to see if the girl had left. About 5 minutes before I awoke, a pretty blonde girl that must have been my future apprentice's sister left the house. Time to go in for the proverbial kill? Possibly. I considered whether or not I wanted to jump in and go so soon, but in the end the hasty decision won over. Time to go fishing!

-X-

"Oh Kei-kun!" I said coyly, poking the boy in the stomach. For a ninja he sure was a hard sleeper!

"Wakey wakey eggs and bakeey!" I yelled in his ear. The poor kid tried sitting up, only to meet the restraints I had used on his wrists and ankles.

"What the hell? Oh, it's you…" he exclaimed, hoarse and groggy. I giggled. I was glad at least someone remembered me!

"Don't worry, I'm not into S&M or anything, I just didn't want our little chat deteriorate to our fists doing the talking. Anyway, are you one hundred percent yet? I have a proposition for you."

Before the kid could say anything, I was thrown against the far wall, scooped up and face to face with a pair of angry neon green eyes.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? The Akatsuki has invested way too much money for you to be freelancing at a time like this!" Kakuzu raged.

"I figured you wouldn't mind my absence." I deadpanned. This was not the right time to confront me. I had an impressionable youth waiting for me, after all just (forcibly) waiting for me to corrupt him.

"You know taking on an apprentice means you are taking a permanent absence." He said, not glaring, but also not detached emotionally. I almost couldn't tell what he was thinking! It was time test him one last time.

"Exactly." I replied.

"Stay in the Akatsuki." Kakuzu ordered. His eyebrows pointed downward ferociously. He seemed a little off, too serious almost. Perhaps Setsuna was right.

"Why should I?" I replied petulantly.

"Because I want you to." I was stuck by the simplicity of his reply. Without really thinking, I locked my lips onto his for a real, honest kiss. Fire spread through my veins, adrenaline pumping like it came from a damn that just broke. He kissed back, reservedly at first, the returning with force. At last I separated from him to catch my breath.

"Okay."

"Just because of a kiss? This is like a bad fucking soap opera! Get a room douche bags!" Kei yelled as he struggled on the bed. Kakuzu and I merely glanced at him before obliging to his request. After all, we some…. things to finish.

Walking side by side, finally, I realized how much tension there really was between us now that it had alleviated.

"Hey wait, let me go first!"

**-End-**


End file.
